#Matthew's is a self insert about him and Will getting married

[tantamounttoflirtation]

In the NBC Hannibal universe there are 12 Will Graham x Reader fanfics published on ao3 and Hannibal (Ch3sap3ake_Ripp3r) is the author of 11 of them. Matthew Brown (xXWillGrahamLuvrXx) wrote the 12th. Chilton has read all 12 of them and routinely leaves annoying comments on Hannibal's wips saying "please update this what's taking so long" as well as "ugh this is sooooo out of character he would never do xyz."

[zbsinbloom]

ZB1 as types of simmers

🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀

Pairing(s): none

Genre: crack

Word Count: 1.5k

Trigger warnings: in-game violence, death, a Murphy bed-related incident, Gyuvin's is a little unhinged but then aren't we all?

Tagged: @taerrrrrae @i05wook

🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀 ☘ 🍀

🤯 Jiwoong

too many saves

He tries to commit to just one household

Spends hours perfecting their personalities and outfits and tells himself he's going to play with then until the end :D

He's got some cute ideas for when his sims are elders and have grandkids

Tries to level up their skills and careers and gives them the perfect house he got from the gallery

And then he's on week 4, his sims got married, they've had a baby and he's… bored?

So he creates a new save for a new family who are totally different and he tells himself this is the save to end all saves

Before he knows it, he's 40 save files down and he hasn't a clue what was going on in a single one of them

But he'll definitely go back and play them all, he swears!

📖 Zhang Hao

the storyteller

Hoho you thought this would be Matthew? No, this man LIVES for the drama I'm telling you

He creates an elaborate storyline for each and every sim he creates

Sometimes he surprises even himself with the plots he creates sometimes

His sims were happily married and living life and then one day he was like "guess what? This one is gonna have an affair with a married sim"

Love affair child incoming?? When he realises he's like "Wait this is perfect this is like a drama"

The type to do challenges like rich to poor or poor to rich because there's so much character development possibilities there

Is he going to make his sims suffer? Yes. Could their lives be a kdrama spanning 12 seasons? Also yes

At this point he could be a streamer, and he'd be pretty successful too because his streams would take the wildest turns

🔨 Hanbin

building whiz

He probably has all the packs (or most of them, minus maybe a couple kits he doesn't care for) and maybe some cc but not much

Probably has a YouTube and/or insta account where he posts screenshots and videos of his builds and they're always out of this world

How does he come up with all of these designs like.. who thought of using platforms like that??

Watches a lot of build hacks by other simmers and always makes sure to mention them if he uses their ideas

Bless Hanbin and his never-ending patience. No offence but nobody else wants to sit there for 3 hours placing debug pebbles to make them look pretty

The premade houses make him shake his head because the exterior deserves so much better!! So he renovates the inside to make it prettier

Will collaborate with Gunwook where Hanbin builds the shell and landscapes and Gunwook does the decorating

There's no type of build he won't try, he wants to always try new styles and techniques, and sometimes goes back to improve his own builds?? Even though they're already stunning

🕵️‍♂️ Matthew

lore obsessive

Doesn't care about his own sims, he's just trying to solve mysteries out here

His sims only read all the books that reference sims lore of past and present wishes he could read it too and goes feral if there's a popup with a piece of lore

What really happened to Bella Goth? Did she die? Was she kidnapped by aliens? Did she run off with a secret lover? Is she trapped in an alternate dimension?? Is.. is he Bella Goth?

How exactly did the mother plant come alive? He just has to know.. surely it was created by someone and he's gonna plant bugs on everyone to try and get the inside info me-core

What about Lady Mimsy and Bernard? Was the fire an accident or on purpose? He has at least 73 theories on what happened that night

The type to annoy all his friends by debating sims lore as if it's a real-life unsolved mystery

You better believe he also eats up the werewolf lore, he will collect books and treasures just so he can find out what's up with Greg

How does he even sleep at night? (Spoiler: he doesn't)

🙋‍♂️ Taerae

the self-insert

Makes himself in nearly every save (sometimes he makes himself buff or have a bigger butt or something but it’s always Tae)

Sometimes he makes his skills match his, and other times he’s like “might make myself a rocket scientist 🤷”

If he has a crush, then he’ll make them as well, taking his time to make their sim perfect

Literally cries if the game says they have anything less than ‘amazing’ compatibility because.. They’re literally made for each other, how could this happen to him??

Makes them ultimate relationship goals because he’s living vicariously through this sims game right now

Will quit and reload his game if something goes wrong, like if they reject his hug or they flirt with someone else. Yes, he’s just that petty

And if things don’t go well with his crush irl then uhhhh breakup?? Or maybe he’d delete the sim and make himself a new crush lmao me-core p.2

Makes his sim adopt about 5 puppies and it will make his day more than any relationship could ever (will talk to them as if they’re real, too)

🃏Ricky

the wildcard

He's not trying to make his sims' lives a living hell, he really isn't

They have the perfect lives and things are going great, nothing could go wrong.. right?

Next thing he knows, his sim is proposing and they get hit by a meteor or something - time to reload!

His sim goes out on a bachelor party, dancing away and having drinks, all the usual jazz

When his sim hears a joke and dies laughing :D ... what

Or they randomly get bitten by a vampire and burn to a crisp because there's suddenly a heatwave in winter????

Buys a Murphy bed to save some space. His sim is about to go to bed after an exciting day and WHAM! It crushes him to death. On the first night

Honestly the best thing for him right now is to switch his pc off and lay down in bed

🗡 Gyuvin

the CallMeKevin (iykyk)

He's all up in EVERYONE'S business. Everyone.

Probably blackmails all the other sims for fun (or simoleons) let's face it, it's both though

Is enemies with most of the townies because he just decided to smack a bitch for no reason

He finds a sim with ugly fashion sense? He sets their house on fire. Get better sense next time smh

Someone flirts with his lover/spouse/crush? Cue a cute ladderless swimming party 🥳

Flirts with married sims and breaks up their relationships because he was bored 💅

Oh? A sim didn't like his joke about llamas? He's gonna build them a lovely little maze for them to run around until they meet grim <3

If he likes them a little, though, he might put them to work in the basement crafting for money. Might.

🛍 Gunwook

CC collector

I’m honestly surprised at how his pc hasn’t set itself on fire by now with all of the cc he’s downloaded

Has to constantly delete his pictures and sometimes other games to make space for his cc obsession

He’s got everything, from hair and eye colour swatches to cushions for his sims’ sofas

If he’s decorating a house or making a sim and it’s not perfect then he’s hunting down the perfect cc to add to his collection

But let’s face it… his games are always perfect. He has the kind of houses and sims that make players like me cry because we could never

Somehow he remembers the names of every piece of cc he uses??? Like someone asks him where he got something from and he’s like “oh yeah it’s (set name) by (creator), I’ll send you the link right now”

The thing that breaks his heart the most is when there’s an update and it breaks his cc because now he has to get rid of it, but most of the time he can just redownload so that mends his little heart

Wants to learn how to make his own cc so he can make new swatches because that shade of yellow is slightly too bright for his sims’ house

👑 Yujin

Mod fanatic

He used to play the game just as it was, but then he was watching others play and saw them using fun mods

First downloaded a simple mod, like one that adds a few new hobbies for his sims

This honestly changes his life, his games will never be the same ever again

And that's how his mod collection begins, with just one small mod, and then whenever he's feeling spicy, he adds another

He gets bored with stuff like the jobs quite quick because he's tried it all, so he finds mods to give his sims more careers

And then when he's tried all of them, he'll add more (sometimes he's not that keen on a mod and deletes it, but not very often)

His favourite by far, though, is the royalty mod because he can make himself king (as he should) and rule over his peasants

Hanbin catches Yujin making him as a peasant whenever he's upset with him, like he refused to buy him ice cream or something… yeah he just closes the door and leaves him be

[circusgoth-dotcom]

Clownie's F/o List (*COMPLETE LIST*)

Here it is, the extended list and not just the notable characters you can view on my pinned post, with additional basic commentary. This is ever-growing as I consume new media because making self-inserts is one of my favourite pastimes. 🫶

Listed in the order I have their tags in in my personal track-keeping document.

Romantic F/os

Structure: [f/o name] [source] | [relationship status or type] [marriage or engagement date if applicable] | [tag] | [tier]

The Joker [DC Comics] | Married (12•04•21) | 🃏A Joker and His Ace🃏 | #1 Main f/o

Wade Wilson/Deadpool [MARVEL Comics] | Married (07•12•22) | 💣Bulletproof Boys💣 | Main f/o

Charles “Chucky” Lee Ray [Child’s Play franchise] | Married (03•19•20) | 🌈Foul-Mouthed Little Fucker🌈 | Main f/o

Betelgeuse [Beetlejuice] | Married (10•01•20) | 🪲Two Bugs in A Rug🪲 [🐞Two Bugs in A Rug🐞] | Main f/o

Jack Torrance [The Shining] | Married (12•31•22) | 🪓Darling - Light of My Life🪓 | Main f/o

Marcus Holloway & Wrench [Watch Dogs 2] | Dating | 💻Hacked into My Heart💻 | Tertiary f/os, haven't finished watching a play through of the game but I really love these characters

Daniel Robitaille/Candyman [Candyman] | Dating | 🐝Daniel is Orange🐝 | Tertiary f/o, I deeply love him but sometimes I get anxious about shipping with him

John Kramer [Saw franchise] | Married (08•17•23) | 🧩The Missing Pieces🧩 | Secondary f/o

Michael Myers [Halloween franchise] | Dating | 🔪The Night He Came Home🎃 | Secondary f/o, occasionally leaning tertiary

Billy Lenz [Black Christmas] | Dating | ☎️Waiting By The Phone☎️ | Tertiary f/o

V/Codename V [V for Vendetta] | Dating | 📺Love Is A Smoke and Is Made With The Fumes of Sighs🧨 | Tertiary f/o

Herbert West [Re-Animator] | Dating | 💚Love Is Nothing More Than a Chemical Scam (Will You Stay by My Side?)💚 | Tertiary f/o leaning secondary f/o depending on mood

Dr. Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus [Raimiverse Spider-Man trilogy] | Dating | 🐙6 Arms to Hold You Tight / Does That Make You an Insect???🐙 | He mainly shows up in an AU where I'm in a relationship with both Otto and Norman nowadays, tertiary f/o

Norman Osborn/Green Goblin [Raimiverse Spider-Man trilogy] | Divorced but Still Seeing Each Other | 💵Norman Osborn🎃 | Tertiary f/o leaning secondary f/o depending on mood

Anton Chigurh [No Country For Old Men] | Dating | 🐮Sugar Bully🐮 | Secondary f/o

Phillip J. Fry [Futurama] | Dating | 🚀I've Been To The Year 3000🍕 | Tertiary f/o

Bender Bending Rodriguez [Futurama] | Dating | 🤖If I Only Had A Heart🍺 | Tertiary f/o

William Afton [FNaF franchise] | Dating | 🐇My Funny Bunny🐇 | Limbo f/o, I don't really ship with this guy anymore but my headcanon version of him is a blorbo I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake, especially with Matthew Lillard now portraying his film counterpart. FNaF is also kind of just a limbo interest of mine, I care more about playing with the characters like paper dolls than paying any attention to canon lore, etc.

Sweeney Todd [Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street] | Married (08•19•21) | 💈I Will Learn to Love Again💈 | Secondary f/o

Cruella de Vil [Cruella] | Dating | 🏎️I Know Something About Love🏎️ | Tertiary f/o

Captain Jack Sparrow [PoTC franchise] | Dating | 🏴‍☠️Drunken Sailor & Bonny Lad🏴‍☠️ | Tertiary f/o leaning secondary f/o depending on mood

Jack Skellington [The Nightmare Before Christmas] | Dating | 💀King of Halloween🎃 | Secondary f/o, childhood comfort character

Oogie Boogie [The Nightmare Before Christmas] | Dating | 🐛Lovebug🐛 | Tertiary f/o

Willy Wonka [Charlie And The Chocolate Factory] | Married (02•24•24) | 🍫Sweetest Moments🍫 | Tertiary f/o

Scott Pilgrim & Ramona Flowers [Scott Pilgrim comics] | Dating | ❗Multiplayer❗ | Tertiary f/os

Dr. Hannibal Lecter [NBC's Hannibal] | Dating | 🍽️Ella et Porcus🍽️ | Tertiary f/o

Spamton G. Spamton [Deltarune] | Dating | 📞MORE PERSISTENT THAN A [Pop-up Ad]📉 | Tertiary f/o

Curtis Vaughn [Mississippi Grind] | Dating | ♠️Lucky In Love♥️ | Tertiary f/o

Eric Brooks/Blade [Blade trilogy] | Dating | 🗡️The Daywalker🩸 | Tertiary f/o

Beverly Sutphin [Serial Mom] | Dating | 👗PUSSYWILLOWS DOTTIE!🔪 | Tertiary f/o

Pickles Oblong [The Oblongs] | Dating | 🥒Pickles🥒 | Tertiary f/o

Tony Stark/Iron Man [MCU] | Married (03•10•23) | ⚙️Empire State of Mind⚙️ | Tertiary f/o

Thor Odinson [MCU] | Dating | ⛈️Riders on The Storm⛈️ | Tertiary f/o

Peter Quill [MCU] | Dating | 🪐All Shook Up🪐 | Tertiary f/o occasionally leaning secondary

Egon Spengler [Ghostbusters] | Married (08•25•24) | 👓Spengler Time With Me👓 | Tertiary f/o

Peter Venkman [Ghostbusters] | Married (08•25•24) | 👻You Talk a Lot of Shit (For Someone That Can’t Talk)👻 | Tertiary f/o

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader [Star Wars] | Dating | 🖤Courage Dear Heart🖤 | Tertiary f/o, the only thing I care about in Star Wars honestly

Hellboy [Hellboy 2004] | Dating | 👹And His Heart Was in Their Hands👹 | Tertiary f/o, used to be a pretty big secondary f/o...

Count Dracula [Dracula 1931] | Dating | 🧛Love as Torrid as Blood🧛 | Tertiary f/o, I mostly use Bela Lugosi's Dracula as a base but I do take inspiration and aesthetic choices from Coppola's Dracula as well, especially for my s/i and his backstory

The Medic [TF2] | Married (08•03•22) | 💉I Need A Doctor (Ohh!~)💉 | Secondary f/o

The Spy [TF2] | Married (01•22•22) | 🕵️‍♂️Mes Affections ne sont pas Un Masque🚬 | Secondary f/o leaning Tertiary f/o depending on mood

The Heavy [TF2] | Married (04•15•22) | 🥪Toll & Smol🥪 | Tertiary f/o

Ash Williams [Evil Dead franchise] | Dating | 🍂Good. Bad. He’s The Guy With My Heart.🍂 | Tertiary f/o

Dr. Jack Griffin/The Invisible Man [The Invisible Man (1933)] | Dating | 🤍An Invisible Heart Still Beats🤍 | Tertiary f/o

Severus Snape [Harry Potter franchise] | Married (date n/a) | ⛅He Saw a Glow in The Darkness⛅ | Tertiary f/o, in an ideal world we'd all pretend that Snape is my original character and has no relation to a certain disgustingly bigoted author, though I don't post about him much here because of that... huge comfort character to this day and the source of my obsession with all things Alan Rickman

Leslie Vernon [Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon] | Dating | 🍎Apple of My Eye🍎 | Tertiary f/o

The Janitor/"Nick" [Willy's Wonderland] | Dating | 🧽Cleanliness is Close to Sexiness🧽 | Tertiary f/o

Stitches the Clown [Stitches] | Dating | 🤡A Stitch in Time is Mine🤡 | Tertiary f/o, I haven't talked about him much since seeing the movie but I'm cursed to find all clowns (with exceptions), especially gross and/or scary clowns, attractive 🙈

Logan Howlett/Wolverine [X-Men franchise] | Dating | ❌Lend Me Your Flannel❌ | Tertiary f/o, another character who's source I'm only vaguely familiar with and I really just started shipping with him bc I though Hugh Jackman was hot in this role

Asgore [Undertale] | Dating | ✨Our Love is Magic✨ | Tertiary f/o, my second-longest lasting Undertale crush

Mettaton [Undertale] | Dating/Crush | 🤩🤖 | Tertiary f/o, forever locked in crush limbo and my longest lasting Undertale crush

The Doctor [Doctor Who] | Dating | 🌌The Eternal Playwrights🌌 | Tertiary f/o, I mainly ship with the 10th and 12th regenerations, another childhood comfort character

Norman Bates [Psycho] | Dating | 🦆Good Old-Fashioned Loverboy🦆 | Tertiary f/o

Pennywise [It 1990 miniseries] | Dating | 🎈Urban Legends🎈 | Tertiary f/o leaning Secondary f/o depending on mood

Ronald McDonald [McDonald's] | Dating | 🍟(Ba-da-ba-ba-ba~) I’m Lovin’ Him!🍟 | Tertiary f/o, I told you, all clowns, even mascots, and he may as well be my own character at this point since he hasn't been used in so long

[wonder-worker]

I should clarify that we don't know if Thomas More actually met Elizabeth Shore! While he claimed that he did, David Santiuste has pointed out that More's description of Elizabeth in her later years, "where a 'fallen woman' loses her beauty, echoes familiar tropes in moral literature" at the time. It was very common to find such narratives in Tudor England, such as Robert Henryson's popular poem, Testament of Cresseid. So, while most historians have (unfortunately) taken More's claim at face-value based on that description, it can and should be questioned more than it has been till date.

Also, More's knowledge about Elizabeth's life was distinctly lacking and unreliable* in a way that makes it hard to believe he was getting his information from her. For example, he claimed that she was still married to William Shore in 1483 even though we know she had divorced Shore years ago; he didn't know that Richard III had accused her of having an affair with Thomas Gray despite the very public nature of that accusation; and he either didn't know or deliberately erased the fact that she married Thomas Lynom (and had a child with him) shortly after her penance walk. Instead, More seems to have created a tragic afterlife for her, claiming that she ended her life destitute and friendless, which was...almost definitely untrue (her reality would have been far, far happier). His claim that Richard III accused Elizabeth Shore of witchcraft was also most probably false and invented by More himself: the Great Chronicle never mentions any such thing, Richard's own proclamations against her suggest against the idea, and a textual comparison to Vergil's account (which More directly used as a source for that specific scene) indicates that More seems to have inserted Elizabeth Shore into the accusation that was, historically, only levelled at Elizabeth Woodville**.

In short: We don't know if More truly met Elizabeth Shore; at the very least, his claim should be taken with a grain of salt. But even if More did meet her, or at the very least came across her (which is plausible, as her second husband had a flourishing career under the Tudors and died in the 1510s), his haphazard knowledge of her makes it very unlikely that he could have questioned her about events of her life. Alternatively, if he did question her, he seems to have had no problem massively editing, rewriting or outright inventing several crucial and defining aspects of her life to suit his own narrative convenience. Whatever the case, it's clear that More was not using Elizabeth Shore as a source of information. It's also clear that he demonstrably did not care about historical accuracy where she was concerned*** (his descriptions of her are incredibly self-indulgent and generic) and should not be taken at face-value when talking about her life.

*We don't know if she and Edward IV truly had an affair, or if it was actually long-term & public (both of which are different things, and both of which have no verifiable evidence as of now). But even if they did have some kind of relationship, evidence strongly contradicts the idea that she was a visible figure during his reign - which may explain More's haphazard knowledge of her. Indeed, the author of the Great Chronicle could not even remember her name, merely calling her "a woman named Shore", with a blank space left before her surname. Similarly, the Elizabethans - who derived their knowledge of her entirely from More's account being printed and circulated from the 1540s - seem to have been so unfamiliar with her that they invented a fake name, fake husband (a goldsmith named Matthew) and fake backstory for her. More himself, in addition to his various inaccuracies about her, claims that she had a memorable role at court while simultaneously taking it for granted that his audience will not know who she is (which...does not make sense). He also literally never bothers to mention her name throughout his account; we don't know if he even knew what it was. Compare this to the consistent and matter-of-fact way contemporary and post-contemporary chroniclers spoke of Alice Perrers and Katherine Swynford, or how Rosamund Clifford's name was organically remembered across the centuries. In contrast, the absence of Elizabeth Shore in post-contemporary chronicles, and the ignorance that both More and the Great Chronicle displayed for the most basic elements of her life, cast immense doubt on the idea of her so-called visibility. If she had an affair with Edward IV, we can also conclude other things about their relationship based on current evidence, which may explain why chroniclers had such lacking knowledge of her. For one, she never received any official grants or rewards from Edward throughout his reign, a striking contrast to Alice Perrers and Katherine Swynford who received plenty from their royal lovers during Queen Philippa and Constance of Castile's lives. With the variety of 14th century English and 15th century French & Breton precedents that Edward had at his disposal when it came to rewarding royal mistresses in such a way, we can only conclude that if they were in a relationship, he simply did not want to honour Elizabeth Shore in such a public manner (ie: through patent and Parliament rolls, etc). Nor did Edward ever favor her parents, despite his patronage of so many other London merchants. It's very hard to understand how someone who had so little influence that she was incapable of obtaining grants for herself or her family would somehow have been able to intercede on behalf of others as Thomas More (very generically and romantically) claimed she did. Indeed, Elizabeth is absent from all known cases of intercession during Edward's second reign, and specific examples dispel the idea that she was viewed as a figure of visible influence like Alice and Katherine had been (see: the Merchant Adventurers Company sending desperate appeals to influential figures at court in 1480; Elizabeth Lambert is conspicuously absent from the list). In my opinion, if historians claim that Edward III and John of Gaunt's affairs with Alice and Katherine were "discreet" during Philippa and Constance's lives despite having actual contemporary evidence of their affairs via records and chronicles, then we must necessarily view the (potential, unverified, unknown) relationship between Edward IV and Elizabeth Shore as 10x more discreet considering we have no evidence for it at all. Based on what we know so far, given that post-contemporary chroniclers could not even remember her name, I think this interpretation is only fair.

**Re Elizabeth's role in 1483: another thing I want to clarify is that her arrest and penance walk doesn't seem to have had anything to do with Edward IV - as is commonly assumed - but with William Hastings. Simon Stallworth's contemporary letter, written on 21st June, makes it clear that Elizabeth was imprisoned shortly after Hastings' execution. The Great Chronicle likewise emphasizes that she was punished for her affair with Hastings (which mirrors how Richard used her to disparage Thomas Gray, and suggests that he was using the same tactic here to vilify Hastings) without ever linking her to Edward IV. Also, the idea of her being a messenger between Elizabeth Woodville and Hastings is simply not true: it is a modern fantasy theory that has been irresponsibly accepted by historians as a fact. It has no basis in history (it's highly improbable that Elizabeth Woodville and Hastings were in an alliance) and no chronicle, including More, claimed Richard accused her of this.

***In general, Thomas More is very unreliable when it comes to Edward IV's life - specifically his love life - as well. Apart from his false claim that he died at the age of 53 (???), More seems to have invented a page-long fictional story about Edward's alleged pre-contract, claiming that it was actually with Elizabeth Lucy who had once been summoned by his mother to court to try and deter him from marrying Elizabeth Woodville (we know that the pre-contract was with Eleanor Talbot, there is no record of a woman named "Elizabeth Lucy" even existing at the time, and there is no evidence of Edward's council or his mother doing any such thing). Additionally, More claimed that Edward IV discussed his marriage to Elizabeth Woodville with his courtiers before he married her, which is obviously not true. He also claimed that Edward had three long-term mistresses, which is explicitly contradicted by other chroniclers like Dominic Mancini, who arrived in England at the end of Edward's life and clearly states that he was known for having very short-term sexual affairs; it's very hard to understand how Mancini could have gotten such a radically different impression from courtiers and local Londoners if a long-term public mistress like Elizabeth Shore existed at that time. For that matter, the claim is also contradicted by Thomas More himself, who implies that Edward's affairs stopped in his last years ("in his youth given to fleshy wantonness...in his latter days, it lessened and well left"). I'm really not sure how we can reconcile that with what More claims about Elizabeth Lambert. Interestingly enough, More's claim that Edward may have eventually stopped having affairs is actually supported another independent chronicler, Habington, who wrote that "Even from [lust] which was reputed his bofome finn, toward the later end of his life, he was [somewhat] cleare: either [conscience] reforming him, or by continuall faciete growne to a loathing of it". Of course, we don't know if this is true or not, but whatever the case, the point is that More's claims re Edward's love life are ... really not reliable. On the contrary, he has displayed a pretty stellar record of invention, exaggeration and general inconsistency. His claims re Ellizabeth Shore cannot be taken at face-value and should be questioned & doubted far more than they are.

(Of course, this isn't to argue that everything More claimed about Elizabeth was an outright invention. This isn't true at all: he clearly did know some pretty important things about her. But when it comes to the existence and nature of her alleged affair with Edward IV...we just don't know. More could have been making it up; he could have been telling the truth; he could have been narrating what he believed was the truth; he could have been basing his account on a grain of truth while exaggerating/constructing the rest (in my opinion, the last one makes the most sense and fits best with what we know so far). What I'm trying to say is that More's claims regarding their alleged affair are not verifiable and reliable, and his claims regarding the nature of that affair can be contradicted by actual evidence and other sources, including More's own account. All in all - like you said, he can't be used uncritically as a source when it comes to her.

What is your opinion on Elizabeth Lambert? Does she have any unknown related knowledge?

I find her very interesting, particularly with the way her story parallels Alice Perrers and Eleanor Cobham, and I find her a very sympathetic figure. I don't know too much about her since the end of the Wars of the Roses isn't one of "my" periods and the thought of sorting through the Ricardians from the Ricardian-influenced to the Tudorites to find decent information about them just makes me go "no" and give up.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by your second question. We don't know a lot about her since the lives of mistresses aren't very well documented, particularly ones not of aristocratic birth. In addition, a lot of what we know about Elizabeth comes from Thomas More. He did claim to have met her but More can't be used uncritically as a source. The best coverage of Elizabeth's life, afaik, N. Barker's article, 'The real Jane Shore’ in Etoniana, 125 (1972) and 126 (1972). I've not read them myself but I believe Barker was the scholar who discovered "Jane Shore" was in fact Elizabeth Lambert.

[apinchofm]

The Duke and I

AU - Matthew and Diana:

To prevent a scandal, Matthew Clairmont marries Diana. The problem comes when she asks why they cannot have children.

Matthew didn't know many women who could punch but watching Diana Bishop punch Peter Knox was the best thing he had seen in the social season of 1813.

"Come on," Matthew grabbed her hand and dragged her away before anyone else could see. She did so, for once not protesting his presence.

"I will have to marry him!" Diana cried. She could already see the scandal - alone, with two men she wasn't related to?

"Not necessarily," Matthew replied, and she looked at him. What did he mean not 'necessarily'?

"It is fine for you!" Diana hissed, "You can do as you please. I cannot. My mother is a widow!" Her mind was racing with how her mother, her aunt would be judged.

"Diana. Let me help you." Matthew asked. He knew the Bishop women were self-sufficient, stubborn. But he enjoyed spending time with her and he wanted to help.

Diana sighed and swallowed, looking at this man who had become a friend.

.....

Dearest Reader,

This is a shocking development indeed! Duke of Hastings, Matthew de Clermont has announced his engagement to Diana Bishop, daughter of Rebecca Bishop, the widow.

We all assumed Peter Knox would be the one to sweep her off her feet. It is a shame that he has a few children that his wife did not bear.

The Bishops are unorthodox, to say the least - Stephen Proctor allowed his wife to keep her maiden name and inherit his title and Dukedom.

Ever since the death of his wife and son, we did not believe the duke would marry again, but the young diamond has captured his heart. I do wonder how marriage to such a stubborn and strange woman.

.....

"Why is it called 'Sept-Tours'? You do not have seven towers." Diana pointed out as they strolled through the library.

Matthew smirked, "A few days in our home and my duchess is already criticising

"Well, you like me honest." Diana said, "Do you think we can get more books on alchemy? I read that in Oxford, there are new manuscripts?"

"Of course, we can," Matthew said, "I adore your love of learning." Most husbands didn't like their wives' intelligence. Matthew encouraged it. It was better not to fight a tidal wave or wildfire.

He pushed her against the bookshelf, "I also adore you wanting me."

"The maids," Diana gasped as his hand made its way under her gown. Ever since their marriage had started, Matthew had made it his duty to pleasure her in every manner and she couldn't get enough.

Neither could he. Matthew had forgotten how good it was to make love to someone he loved.

"Are paid very well and are discreet," Matthew assured, with a chaste kiss to her neck as he inserted a finger inside of her.

Diana's eyes closed as he worked her, having quickly learned how she liked to be touched. He thanked her mother for her more liberating upbringing of Diana, in that she wasn't ashamed of her urges or body.

Diana came, shaking around him as he slowed his pace to help her down. Mindlessly, her hand wandered down his front touching his hardened length under his trousers but his other hand stopped her.

"No," Matthew said, sharper than intended. Diana looked at him confused, but he quickly fixed his face into a smirk, "I want to be inside you."

He wouldn't let her touch his arousal. She didn't exactly know why, but Diana hated when she didn't know something.

.....

Shooting wasn't Diana's favourite activity, but Miriam insisted and she wasn't with Matthew or Bertrand.

Miriam looked at Diana with interest.

"Is there something the matter?" Diana asked, seeing the older woman looking at her. More importantly, her stomach.

"You are not yet with child?" Miriam asked bluntly.

"No," Diana whispered, "Miriam? May I ask you something, about the marriage bed?"

"About sex? Yes, always." She smirked.

"How long did it take you to get with child?"

"Jason was born seven months after Bertrand and I married," Miriam smirked, and Diana raised her eyebrows, "Are you asking how frequently you should be

"Well, Matthew and I have been together multiple times. Sometimes multiple times a day." Diana explained as they strolled, "And yet... I am afraid."

"Does he not release his spend inside of you?" Miriam asked, "Or does he clean up afterwards."

"What inside of me?" Diana replied, "And yes."

Miriam sighed and placed her gun down and looked at Diana, "Matthew is a fool. I love him dearly, but he is a fool. He is purposefully stopping himself from impregnating you."

Diana stuttered, "He would not do that." Matthew wouldn't do that? Would he?

"He would. Because he is a scared man and likes to push everyone away. I hoped marriage would change that." Miriam cocked her gun and pointed it to the sky, "Clearly not. Cover your ears." She shot a bird with perfect precision.

Diana related to the bird that had fallen suddenly. Flying high and enjoying life before a harsh truth pulled her to earth.

.....

So, Diana decided to be direct. In a way. After they made love one evening, she watched him carefully.

He pulled out of her with a groan, rolling on his back as Diana caught her breath. Matthew looked at Diana, who had closed her eyes. He believed her to be. He left the bed to get a cloth to finish his release.

Diana watched him do this, hearing his quiet, long groan as he did. Then he placed the cloth in a separate basket before coming back to bed and drawing her in his arms.

"Matthew?" Diana murmured into his chest. Her heart thumped widely.

"Yes?" He looked down at her, gently brushing a tendril of hair out of her face. Her eyes were shy as she sat up and looked at him. Now or never.

"I saw you... using a cloth after we made love." Diana asked, "Miriam told me that men do that to avoid having children."

Matthew hesitated, so Diana continued, "Why do not want children?"

"Diana, I-"

"Would having another child be so awful?"

"No..."

Diana's face grew upset, "Having a child with me?" He didn't respond immediately. She pulled away and grabbed her dressing gown.

"Diana..."

"I am tired. Good night, your grace." Diana said coldly.

They slept apart for the first time that night.

.....

Bertrand knew there was something wrong with Matthew when they met for fencing. He was more aggressive than usual.

"Your wife is interfering in my marriage," Matthew growled as they sparred.

"And why did she need to do this?" Bertrand retorted, sighing when Matthew jabbed the blunt end of his sabre to his chest, "Is it because you are lying to your wife?"

"Glad to know I am part of your pillow talk."

"Not usually. But when you deceive your wife..." Bertrand jibed, stopping.

"Matthew, Blanca and Lucas would want you to be happy in your marriage. That includes having children," Bertrand argued. He remembered how loving and kind Blanca was, how Matthew lit up around her.

And how he retreated into himself when they died.

Matthew sighed as Bertrand disarmed him with a smirk, "I cannot fail another... I cannot fail Diana."

"You love her."

"I do. Which is why giving her a child...." Matthew shook his head.

Bertrand nodded, "What makes you think you will fail? Lucas and Blanca were sick. That isn't your fault. But what will be your fault is this failed marriage as you don't speak to her. Diana is made of tough stuff and frankly

"She doesn't deserve me. She's too good for me."

"You deserve good things, Matt," Bertrand said gently.

Matthew looked down. He hated it when his friend was right.

.....

Matthew approached Diana in her chambers a few evenings later. She was sitting in her nightgown on a chaise, reading a book on the sciences.

"May we speak?" Matthew asked.

"Depends. Will you lie to me?" Diana asked, not taking her eyes off her page. Matthew sat at the edge of the bed, close to her. He waited until she read a few more pages before placing her bookmark on a page and placing it on the side table.

"We do this together." Diana urged, "I want to understand you. But I can't do that unless you actually speak to me!"

Matthew nodded and he sat down, "I am sorry. For not being the man that you would like me to be."

Diana sat next to him on her bed as he took a deep breath, "I am afraid that I will be a... failure as a father. Again. But in turn, I have failed in being a husband to you."

Diana gently stroked his cheek, "You are not alone. I am here and I love you. And our children will love you."

Matthew kissed her hand thankfully, "I do not deserve you. I have deceived you. I am sorry."

Diana nodded, "No more lies. And we do this together."

"Together."

[bqstqnbruin]

Always be my plus one - part 3

Ok, look, it's 4 am, there are going to be typos, and we're just going to have to deal with it. I also tried to find a gif that was Tyson and Cale but I couldn't find one in the gif insert thing on here so I just went with this one (it feels weird to change it up but like, oops)

I make no promises that you aren't going to be mad at me for this part so have fun !

This is shorter than the last part, coming in at around 5k words.

The only warnings I have here are implied sex.

Translations for the Italian in here: "tu sei uno stronzo" - you're an ass(hole)

stronzino - little asshole

Also want to thank @justjosty @zinka8 @hockeylvr59 @hockeywocs anons and I'm sure I'm forgetting people for helping me write this part but ily all I'm just dumb and tired

Read the previous part here!

Series masterlist

____________________

Valentine’s Day

The Feast Day of St. Valentine is traditionally celebrated in the Western Catholic Church on February 14, to honor the patron saint of love. Though not traditionally celebrated as a Catholic holiday, millions of people celebrate the day of love with those who mean the most to them. While pessimists of the day say it’s a ‘holiday made up by greeting card companies,’ approximately 190 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent in the United States alone, not including cards given by school children to their classmates. Couples enjoy the holiday with a romantic night out, presents, flowers, chocolates, etc., while those who don’t have someone or don’t care do whatever they want without the pressure of living up to a holiday that doesn’t mean very much in the grand scheme of things.

=============

February 12, 2022

“Where are you going tonight?” Matthew’s voice came through his younger sister’s phone. He had called early in the week to see if Anne could babysit Harper so he and Stephanie could do something for Valentine’s Day without having to shell out an extravagant amount of money on a sitter.

“I’m, uh,” Anne hesitates, “going out with Tyson. Sorry.” She hears Matthew let out a sigh on the other end. “Hey, stronzo, why don’t you ask Lucy? Her and Jason never do anything on Valentine’s Day.”

Matthew starts talking about how the last time he asked Lucy last minute to watch his daughter, despite their girls being best friends, she ended up going on a fifteen-minute rant. While Anne gets her heels on, staring at herself in the mirror and admiring the floor-length, red dress she had on the slit going up the side for no one but herself, Matthew continues to tell her about how his twin goes on and on about needing a schedule at all times, how she can’t just drop everything in a moment’s notice because he wants to do something with his wife.

“Hey, Matthew,” she cuts him off, trying to shrug her coat on, “Why didn’t you ask Lucy or Sebby after I said no earlier this week?”

“Because I didn’t think you actually had plans.”

“Again, tu sei uno stronzo.”

“I am not an ass!” he detests.

“Fine, you’re a stronzino, happy?” Anne hears him stammer again, not letting him get a word in, “I have to go, I’ll talk to you later, ok? Ask Ma, Dad’s off in Florida right now so she would probably love to have Harper for the night.”

He lets out another sigh, Stephanie’s voice coming through in the background despite Anne’s inability to understand what she was saying. “Fine. Have fun with Tyson. I don’t need another niece or nephew around Halloween, though, ok?”

“Don’t be gross,” she says, hanging up and finally heading out the door.

Her cousin Adriana was getting married to her soon-to-be wife, Izzy. Her family had no idea that she was the only one who still talked to them, her mother having a fight with her brother after their parents died when Anne and her siblings were younger and vowing to never talk to him again. So far, the stubbornness that seems to run through her mom’s blood going strong since it had been over a decade since she had last seen her brother. Anne was invited to Uncle Frankie’s daughter’s wedding, but no one else in her family.

Adriana and Izzy had this Valentine’s Day-themed wedding, everyone asked to wear red or pink in theme with the holiday, Anne not doubting that there would be paper hearts and cut-out cupids as the decor. The wedding gift she bought them, one of the first things she found on their registry that Anne could afford, was shipped to the apartment they already shared two weeks ago, Anne just needing to remember the card.

She was fully prepared to just sit in the corner with a bunch of people she didn’t know and watch as her cousin got married to the love of her life. Anne wasn’t sure that that side of her family would recognize her after how many years, guaranteeing her to spend her time on the sideline.

Anne slips into the back of the church, seeing no one she knew or recognized to even go up to and sit with them. Everyone was dressed in red, pink, and black. A bit too much for her own taste, but at least she looked good in red and would have worn the color anyway. ‘Note to self, no themed weddings,’ Anne thinks, not particularly fond of the lack of color or real choice that everyone had in figuring out what to wear.

A blonde boy in a red suit walks by her, too far past her to get a good look at him. There was something about him that caught her attention. Anne knew that walk, but she had no idea where she knew it from. It didn’t stop her from admiring him from afar, though, the short blonde hair and the obviously fit physique under the suit captivated her for whatever reason, leaving her practically unable to pay attention to the ceremony in front of her. Not that she cared, at this point she was just there to enjoy the free food she knew would be good at the reception later.

Anne sat at the table against the wall, her cousin not bothering to make a seating chart and just leaving it up to the guests to sit where they pleased. That meant she didn’t have to talk to anyone she didn’t want to, being virtually left alone at a wedding where she knew no one.

“Anne?” a familiar voice snaps her out of the trance she fell into watching Ana’s sister and brother-in-law, Catie and Danny dancing with their two daughters, remembering seeing their pictures on Facebook when they were born, not realizing how much they had grown.

She turns to the man in the red suit who had her attention throughout the ceremony. “Cale?” she smiles at him, not sure how the two had missed they would be at the same wedding this weekend. Since New Year's Eve, the two of them had been texting, calling, FaceTiming, they had hung out, spent the night with each other, Cale insisting he buy her dinner at least once a week. The only reason they weren’t dating each other was because neither of them had said they were. They both said they were busy this weekend, but who would have thought they would end up at the same place. “What are you doing here?”

“Izzy’s brother and I grew up playing hockey together. I grew up with her. What are you doing?” he asks her, taking the seat next to her.

“Ana’s my cousin. Her dad is my mom’s older brother.”

Cale smiles at her, Anne’s heart racing at the sight of it. “So I get to meet your family?”

Anne shakes her head. “I’m the only one here,” she tells him, explaining the family drama that went on between Frankie and Teresa.

Cale looks down at his lap, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his suit jacket. The red bowtie, red pants, red jacket even against the black shirt were so much Anne couldn’t tell if his cheeks were red because of the reflection of his clothes or for another reason. “Tyson’s met your family, hasn’t he?”

She nods, taking his hand in hers. “I told you, Tyson and I are just friends. I needed someone to come with me to a family thing, so he came with me.” Cale nods, not entirely sure that something wasn’t up with her and Tyson. Something was off, there was something he was sure Anne was leaving out, but he wasn’t sure. “Hey, I’ve seen Tyson, what, three times since New Year's? All of them when I was with you. I like you, Cale.”

Cale leans over for a kiss, his hand grazing Anne’s thigh, sending a shiver down her spine. “How about we dance like we did on New Year's?” he asks, standing from the seat, shrugging off the red jacket before he extended his hand out to her.

She rolls her eyes, getting up with him anyway. “I told you then, too, that I don’t like dancing.”

“And yet,” he says, pulling her close, his hand finding the small of her back while he presses his forehead against hers, gazing into her eyes, “you danced with me all night then, and you got up to dance with me tonight.”

Anne laughs, knowing he was right, burying her face in his shoulder, swearing she heard some camera’s clicking, probably the wedding photographer hanging around somewhere and taking pictures of the guests dancing.

“I know I have to say this about the brides when they come in,” Cale whispers in her ear, “but you are the most beautiful girl here.”

Anne could feel herself blushing, her mind flashing back to New Year’s Eve when Tyson told her she looked beautiful. He seemed so genuine saying it, Anne thinking back and not sure if he meant it or was actually pretending. But with Cale, she knew. Cale meant it. “You’re not so bad yourself,” she tells him, ghosting his lips before kissing him.

Being with Cale felt fine. Not perfect, but fine. It was right, but not correct, and Anne couldn’t figure out why.

Everyone starts clearing off the dance floor, the bridal party getting ready to come in. Cale takes Anne’s hand and leads her back to the table where he left his jacket, some other people finding their home base at the same table. Cale knew one of the men at the table, probably from their little hockey group that involved Izzy’s brother. The bridesmaids and bridesmen, as the DJ put it, started coming in, Cale leaning back with his arm slung around the back of Anne’s chair. She leaned back into him, his fingertips dancing up and down her arm as they watched everyone come in.

They watched Ana and Izzy dance their first one as wives, Anne’s stomach starting to make noise as they waited for the food to come.

Cale leans over, nervous about what he was about to whisper in her ear. “Are you hungry for food or maybe something more?”

Anne felt her entire body go numb at his words. They had been seeing each other for a month and a half already, so was what he was insinuating really that strange of an idea? “That depends.”

“On?” he asks, nibbling on her ear before kissing the skin right behind it, losing any sense of care over who at their table was potentially watching.

“On how long you think we need to wait before we can slip out without it being rude?”

Cale inhaled sharply, wishing he could say right now. “At least until they cut the cake. Unless,” he says, his hand moving up her thigh, slowly in case she decided she wanted it to stop, “Unless you wanted to try to find somewhere to sneak away to now.”

“Not for our first time,” she tells him, reaching up to cup his cheek. “And not with my family around,” she laughs.

“I’m fine with that,” he tells her, kissing her. “Your place or mine, though?”

“Well, I drove myself here.”

“And I got a ride.”

Anne smiles, crossing her legs in hopes that whatever she felt would be stifled by that simple action. “So it looks like it’s going to be mine.”

They spent the rest of the night waiting for the moment the cake was cut so they could leave as planned, Cale’s hand never leaving her leg unless he really needed both hands to do something.

Anne could feel her heart racing as she watched Ana and Izzy smash their cake in each other’s face, Anne looking over to Cale and smiling. “You wanna go?” she asks, her keys already out of her bag and in her hand.

Cale drags her out without saying a word, Anne leading him to her car. He walks over to the driver’s side, his arms wrapped around her waist with her back pressed against her car. “You’re sure about this?” he asks her, his eyes flicking between hers and her lips.

“Yeah,” she says, kissing him before he opens the door for her. She couldn’t wait to get home, sure she broke a few traffic laws as she sped back to her apartment with Cale sitting next to her in the passenger seat, his leg shaking the entire time.

They got to the elevator, Cale leaning against her against the wall with his lips pressed against hers, Anne’s hands already working to unbutton his shirt. Cale’s kisses trailed down her jaw to her collarbone, his grip tightening on her waist.

Anne pulled away to lead him down the hallway, practically running, partially due to anticipation for what they were about to do, and because Anne could feel a breeze on her back, indicating that Cale had already unzipped her dress. That, coupled with the fact that Cale’s shirt was already open, his jacket in his free hand, Anne had no desire for any of her neighbors to be given the chance to see her and however Cale was to her already getting naked before closing the door.

As soon as she unlocked her door, Cale had her turned back around, kicking the door closed as he carried her to her bedroom, Anne able to feel everything about him against her body. Cale laid her down on her bed, his lips never leaving hers as he positioned himself over her, sliding her dress off while she did the same with his shirt. Anne’s breath hitched at the sight of him, his body perfect while he stared her down, the first time she saw the typically innocent boy she had been seeing with a mischievous grin covering his face, his eyes darkening at the thought of doing what they had both been wanting to do all night.

“You’re sure about this?” he asks one more time.

Anne nods, taking his face in her hands. “Yes, Cale. I’m sure.”

=============

February 13, 2022

Anne woke up the next morning, the events of the night before rushing back despite finding the space he had occupied in her bed empty. Her dress was on the floor, Cale’s red bowtie somehow having ended up on her night stand. Maybe he left it there as an excuse to see her again, making a mental note to put it in the living room so she would remember it the next time she saw him.

He had slipped out at some point that morning, Anne playing the voicemail that he left her while she slipped on a t-shirt to cover herself. “Hey, Anne. Sorry, I couldn’t stay, but morning skate was calling. I,” she hears him sigh, knowing he had a stupid grin on his face for whatever it was he was about to say, “I can’t wait to have another night like last night with you.”

It was her turn to have the stupid smile on her face as Cale continues, “Um, anyway, I’ve got something going on with JT and some of the other guys tomorrow for Valentine’s Day, a, uh, charity thing? I think? So would you be free this weekend for a proper date for the holiday? You know, not as crowded, not as much pressure, ideally the same outcome, if you’ll allow it? Oh, hey Tyson,” she hears him say, figuring that he was calling her on the way into the rink despite her being unable to hear Tyson. “Yeah, I’m planning Valentine’s Day with Anne. No, not tomorrow night, this weekend. Uh, Anne, I’ve gotta go, but let me know about, say, Friday night? Alright, talk to you later. Bye.”

Valentine’s Day date with Cale? Part two, more like, but still. Anne liked the sound of that.

“So, uh,” Tyson starts, already dreading what he was about to hear from his teammate given what he had heard him say into his phone. “You and Anne?”

“Yeah,” Cale breathes out, chuckling at the thought of what happened last night. “We, um,” Cale couldn’t even get a full sentence out, acting like a child who just got the toy he had been begging his parents for on Christmas morning. He couldn’t remember the last time he was that happy. “We spent the night together last night. I left from her place this morning.”

More of their teammates were filtering into the locker room, looking at Cale’s face turn bright red while Tyson stood there with him looking like he just about wanted to die. “Ok, but did you spend the night, or spend the night?” Ryan asks.

Cale started to stammer out nonsense, not really wanting to divulge the private details of his and Anne’s night despite the guys teasing him and congratulating him for what he wasn’t saying.

“Guys, keep it civil. Anne wouldn’t want us talking about any of this,” Tyson pipes in, Cale letting out a sigh of relief as the guys disperse to get ready for morning skate.

“Thanks,” Cale tells him, going off on his own to get his gear on.

JT appears by Tyson’s side, a stupid smirk on his face. “Would Anne not want us talking about anything, or would you not want us talking about anything?”

“Well, Anne definitely wouldn’t.”

“Oh, come on, we both know Cale would never.”

“Doesn’t mean I want him to have the chance.”

“You’re treading in deep water, dude,” JT sighs.

Tyson looks at him, hating that he knew what he meant. He had barely seen Anne, despite her brother’s texts from the night before asking if Anne really couldn’t watch Harper because of the two of them going out, Tyson going along with the lie just in case. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“It seems like you don’t know what you want from Anne, either,” JT shrugs. “But Cale does, and he got it.”

=============

February 14, 2022

12 hour shifts were the only shifts Anne knew. And they were the shifts that Anne detested the most. She was fine the first ten hours, but the last two always seemed to suck more than anything, leaving her exhausted for the rest of the day, into the night, depending on when she got home in the first place.

All she wanted to do was order dinner from the Thai place down the street, having it delivered despite her really not needing to since it was within walking distance, plop herself on her couch and watch whatever reality TV Lucy had texted her that she thought Anne would like. Anne knew she would turn it off after a single episode and switch to Food Network, but at least she could tell her sister she tried.

Anne walks to her apartment, dragging her feet to her door when she sees someone sitting on the ground, his head down looking at his phone. “Tyson?”

He gets up, grabbing the two bags he had with him as the smell of food filled her nose. “Happy Valentine’s Day, my fake girlfriend,” he says, raising the bags while Anne opens the door to let him in.

“I’m confused,” she tells him as he sets everything down.

“Well, Matthew called me on Saturday asking if the two of us were sure we couldn’t watch his daughter, and I figured he might as well have some sort of photographic evidence as proof of us spending Valentine’s Day together,” Tyson explains. “So, I figured I’d go all out: flowers, dinner, and a present. You know, really convince them that we’re together.”

Anne stares at him for a second, not sure why her heart was racing at the thought of him going out of his way to keep up this facade with her family. “I don’t think I like that you and Matthew are so ‘buddy-buddy.’ Or that fact that he didn’t believe me the first two times I told him I was busy on Saturday night. And I thought that you guys had a charity thing tonight?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Tyson asks, handing her the container of food as she joined him on the couch, the Thai food she was planning on ordering right in front of her. “We have a groupchat. Yeah, it’s me, Sebby, Lucy, and Matthew.”

Anne scoffs, rolling her eyes at his failed attempt at a joke. “And let me guess: you gossip about me the entire time.”

“Actually,” he says, his mouth full of food, “you never come up. They think of me as the fourth sibling. The name Anne means nothing.”

Anne laughs, Tyson admiring the way her eyes closed as her smile grew. God, he wished he had gotten to her before Cale did. Why did he have to leave her alone at all on New Year’s Eve? If he were by her side the entire night like he had wanted to be, then he wouldn’t have to pretend to be her boyfriend, he could actually be getting somewhere with her.

“Hm,” Anne hums, swallowing her mouthful of food. “You said flowers and a present. When do I get those?”

“You can get them now on the condition that I can take a video to send to your siblings,” he offers, pulling out his phone and pushing the bag with the flowers and gift behind him. Anne rolls her eyes, smiling and nodding while he starts the video. He hands her the card first. “Read it.”

Anne pulls it out of the envelope, glitter getting everywhere and making her cringe, knowing that it would be impossible to get off her scrubs later on. It was covered with roses and hearts, bringing her right back to the wedding that weekend. “No one has ever made me feel like this. To the woman I love: Happy Valentine’s Day,” Anne reads, feeling a lump forming in her throat. The card was so corny, a little too corny for her taste, but coming from Tyson, she didn’t know why she loved it. She shakes her head, laughing at Tyson. “I love you, too,” she lies.

Tyson swallows hard at her words, wishing she meant them, pulling out the flowers from the bag and handing them to her. She looks down at the flowers, trying to figure out what they are before looking up at him. “Queen Anne’s Lace?”

“Queen Anne’s Lace for my Queen, Anne,” he tells her, cringing at his own words.

Anne giggles, placing them in her lap. “And my favorite flowers, anyway. Thank you, Tyson.”

“Wait, I have one more thing,” he says, hoping that the camera wasn’t shaking too much while he reached for the gift he bought her.

He hands it to her, a small red box wrapped with a gold bow. She unties it carefully, opening the box and gasping at the sight of it. A golden necklace with a white enamel heart as the charm, a golden pattern outlining the heart. “Tyson, it’s,” she starts, unable to find the words, “it’s beautiful.”

He stops the recording, figuring he had enough to hit send to his ‘girlfriend's' siblings. “Let me put it on you,” he says, Anne turning around and moving her hair out of the way. “I thought you would like it.”

Anne studies his face, the smile plastered on it despite her knowing that he didn’t mean it. “You didn’t have to do this.”

He shrugs, grabbing his food off the table and staring at it now in his lap. “It was fun. I’ve never had a girlfriend who I could buy presents like this for. I mean, I still don’t, but I have you.”

“Oh, come on. You, Tyson Jost, have never had a girlfriend? Look at you,” she says, praying that she was careful with the words she chose. “You’re gorgeous, you’re sweet, you’re funny, you get along with everyone you meet.”

Tyson hated hearing Anne go on about him, knowing that she was just saying it as a friend instead of something more. He scoffs, trying to save face from whatever pain or other emotion he was feeling. “Come on,” he says, not believing her anyway.

“I’m serious!” she insists, reaching up and starting to fidget with her new necklace. “Any girl would be lucky to have you as her boyfriend. I’m lucky to even have you as a fake boyfriend.”

Tyson nods, turning his body to face the TV instead of Anne. “So what are we watching?” he asks, changing the subject and putting his feet up on the table, Anne doing the same.

“Whatever’s on Food Network?” she suggests, holding the remote in the air pointed at the TV.

The two of them settle in, Tyson not paying attention to the show she had turned on. “Hey, what’s that?” Tyson asks, racing over to the red fabric that was on Anne’s coffee table.

“Oh,” Anne blushes, taking it from Tyson. “This is Cale’s. He, um, let it the other night,” she explains, Tyson watching her turn his teammates bowtie over in her hands.

“So you and Cale are doing pretty well?” he asks. Anne looks at him, not sure if she really wanted to tell him about it. “Come on, we’re friends. You can talk to me about anything.”

“I mean,” she says, putting down the bowtie on the table, not taking her eyes off of it. “We’re together? I think?” Tyson already hated that he even offered to listen to her talk about her and his teammate. “I like him. A lot. And I know he likes me, but,” Anne lets out a sigh, not sure where to even take her sentence.

“But, what?” Tyson asks.

“I don’t know,” she shakes her head, looking confused. “Everything is great, but it’s, I,” she stammers. “Something is off, and I can’t figure out what.”

Tyson stares at her for a second, trying to figure out what to say. “It’s probably just that it’s new,” he shrugs. “Everything seems weird when you’re still figuring it out. You and Cale will be ok,” he tells her, hating hearing those words come out of his mouth.

=============

February 19, 2022

Anne stared at herself in the mirror, the black turtleneck she borrowed from her sister coupled with a beige skirt and black tights on her as she got ready for her date with Cale. He was bound to show up any minute, promising each other they weren’t going to do gifts due to a general lack of time on both ends. She didn’t believe that he wasn’t going to get her a gift, however, sneaking out to the bakery down the street and buying some pastries that the two of them would like, giving them an excuse to both show up back at her apartment. And if he didn’t give her a gift, then she got the pastries all to herself.

If not, she could share them with Tyson, who had been showing up at her place or asking her to go to his place any free chance they both had.

She heard Cale knocking at her door, Anne rushing as fast as she could in her heels to answer. Cale was standing there, a black crewneck similar to her own turtleneck, paired with dark jeans, black boots, and a grey coat. Cale kisses her hello, one hand behind his back with the other resting on her hip. “Every time I see you I don’t think you could get more beautiful, and yet, you do.”

“You’re cheesy,” she jokes as he kisses her forehead, Cale laughing against her skin. “But you,” Anne says, resting her hands on his chest, “get more handsome every time I see you, too. And, you’re hiding a present behind your back, aren’t you, even though we said no presents.”

Cale laughs, closing the door behind him. “Maybe I saw this and had to get it for you,” he admits, kissing her again and holding up the bag near her head.

“Should I open it now or should I do it later when we come back here?” she flirts, holding the bag in her hand.

“Oh, we’re coming back here?” he teases her, trailing kisses down her neck.

“I might have gotten some dessert for us so we had an excuse to relive last Saturday. Plus, you left your bowtie here,” she gestures to it, still sitting on her table, “And I was thinking maybe you wear that tonight instead of keeping it off?”

Cale raises his eyebrow at her, a silly smile on his face. “And what else would I be wearing?”

Anne shrugs, pretending to act innocent. “I was thinking only the bowtie,” she tells him, feeling his grip around her tighten at the thought.

Cale kisses her again, unable to keep his hands off the girl in front of him. If he could, he would forget dinner altogether and just go straight to dessert, but he knew Anne wasn’t that kind of girl, and he wasn’t about to force her into anything she didn’t want. “Hey, I like that necklace you’re wearing,” he says, twirling the charm around in his fingers. “The heart is perfect for Valentine’s Day.”

She reaches up and takes his hand in hers. “Thanks. My sister got it for me a few years ago for my birthday,” she lies. She couldn’t tell him that Tyson had gotten it for her for Valentine’s Day.

[belle-keys]

I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

[yuzuka-rei]

my last hours: chain of gold review

its practically tradition for me, every time i finish a cassie claire book, i whip open my long abandoned tumblr and yell about characters. 

discussion is always welcome but if you’re like SUPER into this book don’t read this you’ll just get mad. also claire dont read this. 

my biggest problem with this book is that it doesn’t take enough risks, it sticks to a known successful formula (the infernal devices remains the best shadowhunters series) and what results is a book that is nostalgic, not bad, but not breaking any new ground. 

i’ll talk about what i liked first. i loved some of the storylines claire brought up in this book, BUT SHE BARELY EXPANDED ON ANY OF THEM.

you know what would’ve felt fresh and painful? charles fairchild. i want to read about Charles Fairchild, and his ambition, i want to read about his love for Alastair and how all he wishes is for his lover to just understand how much he *wants* to be consul. i want to read about his conflicted affection for Ariadne. i want to sympathise with HIM, because that would be so interesting, similar to what we had with jessamine, but with a man this time. we don’t have to like him, he just has to be interesting. 

what i’d also have loved would be more about lucie’s insecurity about being “the second herondale”. tbh, it would’ve been really interesting for her to have turned to the dark but this is a shadowhunters book the moral conflict always comes with the relationships, not the fantasy plot. but anyways what is the DEAL with “the beautiful cordelia” that is the fucking gayest thing i have ever laid eyes on in my entire life. also thats all lucie and cordelia’s relationship is based on, just the fact that lucie writes to cordelia, and it makes it feel so cheap because all cordelia does is think about james. lucie reminds me of dru, the forgotten younger sister, but because dru was not expanded on in tda i think it would’ve been fresh to read about lucie and her insecurity

also: matthew fairchild. right now he feels super repetitive, basically just will herondale again but this time he also fucks boys!! what a CHANGE. will shouldve been able to see his younger self in matthew and help him, so this makes minimal sense. even if we *have* to have this super repetitive plot element, i want to read about matthew and how he is different drunk and sober. i want to see him literally fail his friends and risk their lives, multiple times, because he is too drunk to do shit. i want to see him sober, suddenly so uncharming and pitiful. also i fucking want to see hints that he’s in love with cordelia. yes there are “hints”, but this “love” feels really cheap as well. basically so many of the relationships in cog feel super cheap because you’re supposed to believe that matthew falls in love with cordelia because of like three interactions. (although a parallel to this would be cristina and mark, who also didn’t have that much interaction before they fell in love, but mark was so broken and cristina is literally the sweetest, that made more sense. matthew and cordelia?? kinda a cheap play esp considering how will and jem were also parabatai) 

WRITE MORE ABOUT ALASTAIR. matthew seems way too put together and a “tragic romantic figure” in this book to make us Really see alastair as someone who should be hated. i want to HATE alastair but at the same time feel so much pity and pride for him. i know claire tried to make us dislike him but didnt work lol

oh i also loved the merry thieves i LOVE their friendship please give me more of that sweet sweet friendship juice. now this sort of marauders (im sorry im such a big marauders fan) brotherhood is something i haven’t seen from claire before and id love to read more about it

NOW I SCREAM ABOUT WHAT I DISLIKED

1, james fucking herondale. he is the most blandly and poorly written “male lead” in a claire book i’ve read for a long time. i’m all for reading about very stupid boys who are stupid about girls but the whole wild shift between grace and cordelia makes him seem like trash even with the bracelet influence. i disliked julian (i literally forgot his name and had to search it up), but julian’s fierce devotion to his family was interesting and grounded him. james is just ?? i guess he has the ability to go to the shadow realm?? like ngl i know nothing about his character and tbh i dont want to know more. 

2, cordelia. carstairs. who is basically if you scrambled clary and emma together and added a pinch of cristina. she’s not a BAD character, and since we’re supposed to see her as the “self insert” (i assume), her being a bit bland was probably intended. but this IS like... the fourth shadowhunter series. can we get a female character who is the hot troubled one instead?? i want HER to be the one with the tragic terrible secret, i want her to lash out and go drinking and push everyone away. cordelia in this book exists to love and protect james, and that makes her... even more boring than clary, who you know at least had her own strong agenda instead of this “oh i have to save my father wait hes a drunk” arc

3, matthew fairchild is basically just will herondale if he were less in love with his parabatai and more gay coded (oscar wilde?? waistcoats?? really???) . i wish he were written as a proper casanova, seen dating a different girl or boy every scene because then it would Hurt to see cordelia dismiss his feelings because of his behaviour. tbh i just,,, like matthew fairchild but hes so similar to will it hurts that his potential is being squandered.

4, this book just feels like tid but the side characters are like the tda ones. 

5, anna lightwood is basically magnus bane and i hate it but i love it

6, tbh most of the romances weren’t heart wrenching. cordelia having to marry james as an alibi was the only cool thing out of this book and even that was a bit odd. alastair being charles’ secret lover was Pretty out of the blue and that hurt but he literally left the relationship after one scene?? thats not realistic?? i want alastair to fall back into old habits, then try to leave again, then fall back again, then leave for Good. all of these romances are so whirlwild and mean so little, and they probably seem really cool to a 14 year old child but now they just feel... childish and stupid. TDA may have spoilt me for well built relationships, as much as i dislike emma and julian, their romance made SENSE. kit and ty? had feelings development. kieran and mark had their whole “we had to love each other to survive but now we don’t have to now what” struggle that was well laid out anyways. 

BASICALLY, THE CHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK WERE WRITTEN TO BE IMMATURE, SHELTERED 17 YEAR OLDS AND IT’S UNSURPRISINGLY BORING TO READ 

also: if jesse blackthorn, a dear character in our hearts, showed love towards his mother, she would feel more three dimensional but alas sakjfh

[pluviophile-bookworm]

Thoughts/ reaction to AWAE 3x7

This cold open is… different. It has actual tension. Also, it ties directly to the end of last episode, and gods know I love that. And… it has actual speaking, too? Honestly, Anne is the typical teenager caught sneaking back in at night, while also being socially engaged. I mean, there’s nothing typical about her and the present mission of hers, but an untrained eye might have thought so.

I’m honestly afraid of people’s reaction to whatever Anne wrote in that paper. I have been since last week, and maybe not without good reason.

Have Diana’s parents learnt nothing? Not even from missing their chance with Mary? Apparently these people are immune to redemption. I hope I’m wrong about this.

Diana’s face after excusing Anne oh-so-smoothly is just like, “What has she done now?”, but she’s still not letting anything on. This is the friend we all dream of. 

Poor Josie is getting those judging looks from everyone while Billy just sits there like he has nothing to do with it. In fact, he seems annoyed by the whole situation. Who gave you the right? How dare you sit there like you have no part in this? If I were Anne, I would definitely have done all she did and more. Heck, even if I were just me, I would have done something, and I’m so afraid of speaking up… Billy deserves the worst.

It seems to me that Josie’s father is no better than Billy. Blaming his own daughter and making her marry that little piece of *no swearing on main, but you’ll know what I mean* after what he did to her? Someone needs to teach those men a big lesson. 

“Get him back”? Don’t you mean get back at him? Listen to your daughter, woman, why don’t you?

“How bad could it be?” Let’s just say you’re lucky not to know. I’m screaming right now, but we’ll have to live through this. No change comes without suffering. 

Anne asking Marilla if she doesn’t deserve an opinion, and then bringing up Matthew’s blunder… hitting where it hurts the most, that’s what that was.

“All will sort itself out” Yeah it will, if Billy never so much as goes near another girl again. But we all know that’s not happening.

What? They’re looking for another girl? “More compatible with our interests”? What does that mean? Okay with being assaulted and treated like a piece of meat with no soul or opinion? No girl deserves the monstrosity that is Billy Andrews. 

I knew Prissy would speak up. I hoped and prayed for at least one member of that family to have their mind and heart in the right place. The world needs more women like Prissy Andrews. At least two for every man like Billy Andrews. I still can’t wrap my mind around the two of them coming from the same genes. Biology and blood relations make no sense when it comes to what matters most, I guess. 

Has Diana gone nuts? “Apologise to Josie”? For what? Trying to speak up for her when she herself wouldn’t dare to? Telling the honest truth to a town of people that are apparently too narrow-minded to see it? This isn’t the Diana that kissed Jerry at the fair last week. This isn’t the Diana that would fake an injury to experience freedom. I’m witnessing a full-speed slide down the metaphorical hill of character growth, back to square one. I’m disappointed in my girl.

“You’ve always been jealous of me”… for what? Being engaged to a piece of *see above* that assaulted you? Or for being too blinded by what society has taught you to believe - that you are lucky to be marrying him and are not the victim of what he did to you? Honestly, I feel bad for Anne in the present situation, but I feel even worse for Josie because, unlike Anne, she doesn’t seem to realise that she is the victim here and has rights to fight for. I hope this works out.

But honestly, does none of the girls remember about the Beltane? Does Diana not remember that Josie was in their circle and is therefore their sister now? Does Jane not remember what happened to her actual sister not so long ago - which said sister just reminded her of, in case she had forgotten? Josie is now her sister, too. Does that mean nothing? Is ostracising Anne and treating her like trash all over again going to benefit any of those girls? What is with everybody? Wake up, people!

Oh, shut up, Gilbert Blythe! Or whoever you are these days because I frankly don’t know you anymore. Do you still not realise what this is all about?

And Miss Stacy, too? You’d think she would have a thing or two to say about women’s rights. What is wrong with everybody?

Oh, so she agrees with Anne, but still won’t help her? I see where she’s coming from, but right now everything that goes against Anne even in the slightest is wrong in my eyes and ears. I’m looking at this too passionately. I might need to cool off. 

All of a sudden I sympathise with Rachel Lynde. Who would have thought? But well, she just so happens to be the only woman in a council of men. Them trying to pass her opinion off as “hysterical” fits in perfectly with the theme of the episode about women’s voices and the right to equality. 

Ok, so Diana might not be so lost, after all. I have to admit, I squeal in delight at the sight of her and Jerry. But… wait. What is going on just now? I’m not liking the sound of this. And why do I feel like his heart wasn’t in that kiss? Why are you doing this to me? I should be excited, nay, ecstatic, about Derry’s second kiss. Not hurt by the look on Jerry’s face. What did you do to my boy, Moira?

Miss Stacy seems to have finally come to her senses and is ranting about the stupid censorship that stupid men put on the newspaper instead of the “scandalous” actions that Anne took. And Anne having a full-on raging breakdown and taking it out on the remains of the writing club… “We rest in truth”… I feel for her.

Gilbert has finally come back. I have no idea where he was all this time, but he’s back and there’s at least one thing in this episode I’m glad about. It seems that suffering does bring about change, after all. 

Anne coming back and being accepted with literal open arms… and then Gilbert’s face says it all. “I did what’s right. It was about time.”

“Anne’s farm boy is ever so tall…” First of all, yes he is, isn’t he? *heart eyes* Second of all. though, he has a name, and it’s Jerry. Third of all, he’s not Anne’s farm boy, he’s her brother. But at least we agree on something. Honestly, every now and then I feel that if I were to write a self-insert character for AWAE, I would end up with Ruby. She is just so much like me…

“Wonder if he has a farm girl…” Jerry’s just trying his best to hide at this point, and Diana looks like she would very much like to hide as well. But this is not hiding of the “secret forbidden romance” type. Why do I feel… embarrassment in her eyes? This is not my Diana. 

“I’m certain Billy won’t understand any of it” - and that’s why the business should go to Prissy alone. Also because Billy deserves nothing, whether he understands the business or not. 

What is wrong with Josie? The poor girl doesn’t even understand she’s perpetuating her own suffering. At least Anne tried. Multiple times. I’m afraid some victims deny themselves the chance to be saved…

“My girl”… oh sweet, gentle, wonderful Jerry… I fear she might not be very worthy of you right now… Also, it’s funny (read: cruel) what the fates do to us. I’ve wanted for Anne to know about Derry, but not in circumstances such as these…

“She seems to like the kissing part, but not the part where we talk”… this seems like a half-subtle parallel between their situation and what Billy did to Josie, and I’m not liking the implications this has about Diana. And it seems Anne has got the same impressions…

Poor, poor Jerry… I can barely see what I’m typing right now because I’m bawling my eyes out. I so wish I could be there to give him a hug and tell him just how much more he’s worth. Only, I couldn’t be much help because, as I said, I’m bawling my eyes out myself… That is NOT my Diana. Who’d have known the day I’d take Gilbert back in would be the day I’d lose Diana? But this is not about her. This is about how she made Jerry feel - wonderful, hard-working, smarter-than-he-is-given-credit-for Jerry who deserves absolutely no hurt. I knew the development of Derry was too good to last, but I did not expect the pain to come from within. I expected anything - society, their class difference, their families, even Diana’s higher education - to come between them, but never Diana’s behaviour to Jerry. Excuse me while I go throw pillows at my wall in rage and heartbreak. 

“They can’t take your beauty away from you”… Umm, exuse me? All this happened because Josie was reduced to a “pretty face”. But you wouldn’t know. You weren’t there. She was, though, and she seems to finally realise just what was done to her. Please don’t let me be wrong in assuming that.

“I still like you”? Come again? What has happened that might reduce her likeability other than what you alone did to her? You’re an entitled effing brat, that’s what you are. And she owes you nothing. Good on Josie for finally realising her worth. 

And you dare to just show up and act like nothing happened after what you did to Anne’s brother? If somebody treated my brother like this, I would make them pay. That much I know.  I thought you would know better, Diana. “It doesn’t mean anything”… you better shut your mouth before you say anything else hurtful about the two people you’re alleged to love the most. walking on thin ice there, Miss Barry. 

“Don’t you dare” No, don’t YOU dare! I was afraid Jerry would be just a temporary escape, a little adventure to Diana, but I shuddered to think it would be so anywhere beyond my anxiety-induced nightmares… and now there are some insulting words floating around in my head that I’m not directing at her just because I’m sure that, unlike Billy, she will redeem herself. I’m dying right here. I did not opt to miss my lectures to cry so much. 

A real quote from my reaction to 3x5: “I live and would die for Anne and Diana’s friendship.” Well, now I feel like I AM dying - because this seems like the end of it. My brain knows it’s not, but my heart sides with Anne. And Jerry. I side with respect and equality. What side are you on, Diana?

“Just a suggestion. Not telling you what to do”… Gilbert seems genuinely a bit scared of her and I’m still dying - but now it’s of laughter. Gil has learnt his lesson and as of now deserves to be called Gil again… until further notice. 

And the “rallying” that the episode description promised is in full force now. I’m finally smiling at this episode. It was high time. 

Marilla stading up for Anne in front of the council and Matthew just smiling with pride is the golden content I had already lost all hope to see in this darkest of dark episodes… In Matthew We Trust!

In the name of all that is holy, I hope Moira’s deviations from the source material include the survival of both Matthew and Ruby. Seriously, source material, Matthew and Ruby? The biggest cinnamon rolls of them all? what’s next, Jerry? Delphine? No, forget I ever said that. 

And now Josie joining in is just about the best thing I can hope to see before the hurricane of suffering this episode is comes to its end. 

The “Not a Take Notice kind of guy” scene flashed through my mind when Gilbert said “Thanks for the suggestions”… this moment is so different, so much better… My Gil, Anne’s Gil, is back, and he’s making sure everyone knows it. You should see my face now.

The world needs more teachers - and women in general - like Miss Muriel Stacy.

Anne and Gil being aware of what exactly their relationship is like (Shouldn’t we be arguing about something…”) while not being sure what their relationship is like at all is… the most wonderful paradox I can think of right now. We’re getting a Shirbert kiss… in, like, season 6 or something, but it’s worth waiting for. Some slowburns should remain slowburns. 

The spelling… oh gods, the spelling! #Shirbert

When Anne mentioned Winifred, I couldn’t help thinking of that time she mentioned Ruby… why do you do this to the guy, Anne? He’s trying to take a step forward, I can see that he really is. 

Wait, what is happening? Why do they always make screens so dark, I can’t see what’s going on at all. 

Oh no! When Miss Stacy mentioned the building spontaneously combusting, I didn’t think that was foreshadowing… but then, if I remember correctly, a fire was what made Anne and Ruby friends, so we never know - something good might come out of this. I hope so.

To sum up, in this episode we saw: Anne’s actions and their disastrous outcome; the town isn’t ready to accept the changes that are happening inevitably; Billy is an a**hole, Prissy is an icon - no surprises in either situation; Diana is not Diana; Josie doesn’t realise she’s a victim and has a voice; all the girls except Anne suffer from what we over at TV tropes call Aesop Amnesia about Beltane; Derry’s second kiss was nothing like the first one; Gilbert is BACK; Ruby is me; this is NOT MY DIANA; Anne finds out about Derry in the worst way imaginable; Jerry suffers and I want to kill someone because of it; the fall of Diana and what seems like, but is hopefully not, the death of Anne and Diana’s friendship; Josie realises her worth and puts Billy in his place; Gilbert is back like he’s never been gone; rallying and organised action at its best; In Matthew We Trust; Josie is back for the better; Shirbert knowing their relationship and not knowing it at the same time; Anne mentions another girl yet again - some people never learn; Miss Stacy unknowingly predicted the fire.

[mmmmalo]

Do you have any thoughts on the super popular headcanon transgirl John?

Been pretty resistant to it, since it doesn’t seem to mesh with the idea of John seeking to merge with the image of Dad, which I’ve read as alternately realized in John becoming the Dad of a family unit and in his gay thoughts (for his Dad or others). But the fact that ‘merging with an image’ is an impossibility that requires interpretation to be brought into reality means there are some exploitable cracks in that position, which I’ll try to outline.

An acquaintance of mine once suggested that John’s dabbling in ectobiology (in Mom’s lab robes no less) constitutes appropriation of the feminine – on the grounds that the scifi trope of penis (bearers) creating life without vagina (bearers) should be viewed not simply as an aspiration to a (gender neutral) God-like capacity for emanation, but as a jealousy of the opposite sex. This would be one approach to June – to read the fantasy of reproduction via busting-out-ghosts (ie manbro bukkake theater) as necessitating a desire to embody feminine characteristics, and to proceed from there. 

But I’m also acutely aware that within the confines of heterosexuality, gay thoughts can entail positioning oneself as the opposite gender (in a “i would have to be a girl to like guys!” sort of way) – which is to say, John “i am not a homosexual” Egbert could potentially reconcile that statement with his attraction to men by identifying as a girl (even if that’s in tension with the identification with Dad that’s packaged with the attraction to men?) – but this is not necessarily the case, since depending on the configuration of John’s head, he could just as easily come to the realization that he does /not/ have to be a girl to like guys, and that his statement was a denial.

[Tangential: I read Nedry in Jurassic Park as being gay before (x) on the basis of his loading an embryo (amber mosquito) into a phallic symbol (shaving cream) and later being blinded by bukkake (poison spit), but for similar reasons as the above, I suppose trans woman is also a valid reading]

There’s also the matter of Nanna – that John’s birth entailed her mortal fall from the ladder could imply that John actually sees Nanna as the image from which he is descended (and thus seeks to return to), though this is in tension with moments that imply Dad is highest… likewise, since kernelsprites represent wishes, the existence of Nannasprite swings the pendulum towards identification with the feminine… while John’s association of clowns with Dad swings the pendulum right back again, perhaps suggesting Nannasprite as the reconciliation of the competing ideals. (Perhaps related to how Jane aspires to certain masculinized ideals while still viewing herself as a girl?)

More on that tension: on pages 48-50, John swings from vilifying the aromas of his nemesis Betty Crocker (Dad is actually the one who bakes, so the aromas are actually Fatherly?), to insulting Dad and the associated harlequins, to waxing romantic on transcendent Platonic Forms at the fireplace (above which sits the image of Nanna and her ashes). This is also the moment where John invokes pale fire snatching its light from the sun, which brings us to the Thief of Light.

It’s very interesting that Vriska interrupts a dream in which John nearly re-unites (ie merges) with (the image of) Dad. (And in the subsequent conversation no less, John reads Vriska’s elongation of his name as “June”) Could be related to John discussing how Dad is more of a half-brother than a father, while acknowledging Nanna as the true source? And thus the true target of aspiration.

Also interesting that Vriska acknowledges that John’s session is doomed to fail, in light of her seemingly representing John’s realization that he cannot (or does not want to?) become his father. Her insistence that he should try to win anyway (because winning is the only point of anything) also seems loaded in the context of the parallel discussion of ideals… likewise, John’s insistence that winning is still possible becomes an insistence that dreams CAN come true. Vriska manifests again as John muses on the desecration (and decaptation?) of his Con Air poster, upon which Nic Cage has become a sad clown… which relates to John’s ongoing disillusionment with Dad…? (Finding out that Dad was a boring businessman was a while ago though). Reminds me that the phrasing of ‘reunite with your loving wife and daughter’ can at once represent union with the masculine role of husband AND union with the feminine… so I’m lost again? Very possible that masculine/feminine is just an inadequate dichotomy, but let’s ignore that and press forward.

(I am skipping around re-evaluating the events surrounding conversations with Vriska at this point, since the circumstances of her intro seem to be a pivot)

…in John’s first conversation with Kanaya (after which Vriska manifests for the Remember Me date) is prompted by John preparing to send his gift to Jade, which I don’t know what to make of. However, the conversation dips into a discussion of Contact (need to watch), pivoting on the ambiguous reality of Jodie Foster’s vision of her Dad, which Matthew [horse-noises] has faith in – so we’ve returned to the topic of John musing on his own dreams of Dad, and everything that entails. That reminder is followed by perhaps the most damning exchange:

…which suggests that the applicability of John’s tangent is gender skepticism? But let’s return later to evaluate the resulting Vriska convo – I want to stay linear here. Vriska next manifests as John prepares to kiss Ghost Dad:

…after which Vriska mostly berates John for waiting around and not doing things when he’s supposed to, despite her being the very reason that he is forced to wait. This seems appropriate insofar as union with the Father also represents union with the divine will (in the Stoic sense), to which the Heir of Breath’s openness to suggestion is an end. So the confusion and frustration of Vriska’s orders constitutes an interruption of this fantasy of doing exactly what you’re supposed to do (ie what god/the player tells you to do), which is visually represented by Vriska preventing John from kissing Bill Cosby? I think… though since John’s present objective is to meet up with Nannasprite, I feel like the roles are blurring again… (even more so when Nanna reminds John that he is also sort of HER father)

John’s penchant for playing pranks on the bossy aliens who claim to rule him, submitting disingenuous words for them to repeat, is also a disruption of this supposed order… and/or John’s way of claiming the God-status for himself? Vriska makes the disruption of the way things are ‘supposed to be’ more explicit later when she berates John for initiating a conversation…

Anyway, the rest of this gets very rambly and speculative, so I’m placing it under the cut. Long, incoherent read.

The next “moment” that strikes me spans from 3386 to 3468, from John spotting the Hussie-Rufio kiss in the clouds to Vriska’s giant X-marks-the-spot. Crucially, these moments (emphasizing a father-son kiss and feminine anatomy) are bridged by Seek the Highbl00d – implying that that flash functions as an expression of John’s thoughts, just as Return to the Core was an expression of Jade’s thoughts. What follows is an attempt to make sense of the dream – I expect to fail in some capacity, but I will do my best.

3386: Hussie emphasize that Rufio saw Peter as a father-figure, so Hussie’s attempted revival involve bestowing the breath of life upon a son-figure. SMOOCH! (It bears repeating that the insertion of the divine breath into inert matter also has bearing as John’s self-conception as a video game avatar, animated by a divine will)

3393: The kiss appears in the clouds of Skaia above John, meaning that the thought of being kissed by his Dad is running though his head. He is transfixed by this image (for hours!)

3401: Since the instillation of breath into inert matter is often tinged with traces of necrophilia (corpsesmooch!) WV imbibing shaving cream “like the wind” seems like a euphoria tinged with sensuality, as though John leafing through his Dad’s wallet with a recently conferred sense of responsibility is akin to Terezi falling in red kool-aid (there’s no way he’s not getting off on this)

3410: WV compared buckling himself into the drivers seat to his (imminent) assumption of the title of mayor. The position of driver linked to a role of authority…

3414: …so as John takes off into the sky, we get another peak at the moment that Gamzee first declared himself God, to insinuate John similarly feels like he’s on top of the world. The SBaHJ complements this – John is riding his 4-wheel device into the sky (thus achieving unreal air) up to a cloud labeled clown (which is associated with fatherhood). John feels as though he’s achieved the ideal.

3419: The main takeaway from John’s conversation with Jade for me is that he is anxious about the idea of his Dad marrying Mom (jealousy?) and also anxious about idea of himself getting married… inclined to read this as John getting antsy about some of what (he believes) being an adult man necessarily entails, which here means getting wife. The comment about “a shipping grid made by an alien” strikes me as a tongue-in-cheek jab at heterosexuality as GOD’S PLAN, given John and Karkat’s previous conversation about Superman.

It’s also striking to me that the many of the cloud visions John describes were of Jade, if the idea that the clouds function as internal mirrors holds. I suppose the vision of Jade surrounded by frogs means he’s thinking of reproduction, even before he brings of romance… and Jade worrying about if the frogs are going in a cauldron is interesting, considering her infanticide motifs…anyway,

3420: John commented about discomfort at the Crosby tops blinking at the beginning of the Jade convo, and now that it’s staring me in the face I feel compelled to contend with it. I think… it’s sort of a call back to page 1, with John blinking and staring directly at the camera. The moment of locking eyes across the forth wall – the moment orders started entering the command prompt, the moment union with God (the player) started. I’m not sure if, looking at that blinking computer, John regards himself as the player or the played.

Anyway, Karkat has manifested, and he is terrified of Gamzee – John asks him what’s up, which in context of the above is a haunting echo of Gamzee’s first line, which then too functioned as a questioning of the nature of hierarchy. (“What /is/ up? What is authority? What is divinity?” - you have to read it literally) John makes WV stop honking the car in response to Karkat’s mortal terror of honking – not sure if this means John is the Gamzee figure, all the car beeps triumphant honks upon having ascended to the domineering position of godhood, or if John is Karkat here, experiencing terror of the various potentials of his ascension. Perhaps both, perhaps neither. Moving on…

3422: John contacts Karkat (again, reversing the way that trolling is “supposed” to work… I think John is the only kid to initiate contact pre-act 6?)… but otherwise I’m not getting a lot out of this conversation. The panel though, I will note, uses the arrangement of clouds from 4 panels prior to emphasize that John is heading towards and unseen castle. After the upcoming sequence, he will crash into a tree… suggesting that Seek the Highbl00d represents an end to whatever high John’s currently on?

3427: Karkat just took a fall down some stairs in response to the terror of a honk… which places him squarely on Earth instead of Heaven… (important only insofar as it establishes Gamzee as high and Karkat as low, for the purposes of this scene). Terezi manifests, poorly attempting to hide her excitement about murder (which makes sense, since murder!Gamzee originally manifested for Karkat?). This implies that Karkat’s own terror is accompanied by titillation… and retroactively means that John’s anxiety about sex masks an excitement that he regards as unbecoming?

Then Terezi honks – ostensibly, because Gamzee has claimed her glasses (leading Karkat/us to believe she has been killed). But the appearance that Terezi honked is perhaps equally important…? It’s as though the enthusiasm for murder which Gamzee presently embodies has possessed her, as she kissed Tavros’s corpse? (Worth noting that the depiction of her corpse-smooch directly preceded the Hussie-Rufio kiss, which John responds to by… getting in the car and honking a bunch, as he approaches the sky-image of a megalomaniacal Gamzee?)

3431: Things are getting weird now, and I’m starting to lose my grip on how this all relates to John. Quoth Equius, “Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy” (in response to happy Gamzee murder times) – which in context suggests that this is well within what John considers the tyrannical rights of a father, somehow. Or of a God, I suppose – whatever you wanna call that-which-occupies-the-highest-rung….

Also, seeing as Karkat is manifesting for Equius, Karkat asking if Equius is still strong means Equius is questioning his own strength… why? The only context we get is that he is looking at Nepeta, and is somehow enmeshed in Egbert’s psychodrama…

CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING? CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF.

Weird future-echoes of Equius’s death in Karkat’s words… the motif of Breath is definitely significant, seeing as the transmission of the animating breath of life is the key act of God here, and thus representative of total domination…? Whereas choking the breath out of someone would mean…?

I’m getting ahead of myself, perhaps.

CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK. CT: D –> I will 100k into it

An ominous note to end on, given that Equius’s willingness to combat orders from above is part of his conflict here.. but also, because of the motifs of self-alienation, orders from above /includes/ orders from within (ie urges)…? Or should I consider those at odds, in an id/super-ego kind of way? God I’m confused

3437: All I’ve gathered from Terezi’s proceedings  here (which lead into Seek the Highbl00d) is that she is projecting all of her concepts of criminal debauchery onto Vriska – which you could compare to all the absurd clown theatrics that John used to project onto Dad, but there’s no particular reason to privilege that at the moment…

I will admit that John’s fear of disillusionment (of the collapse of the ideal, the fall from the Pleroma to Earth) is giving me some confirmation bias which may be clouding/guiding my appraisal of the proceedings. I will try to remain openminded.

3438 (Seek the Highbl00d): Oh boy here we go

This is… something? Cats are a child symbol, so to call someone feline-obsessed is to call them baby crazy (see: Roxy). Earlier, John was “joking” about a desire to sink the Mom-Dad ship – and later, Bec Noir’s murder of Mom and Dad realizes the fantasy (Noir’s bloody footprints lead Rose to John, further implicating him as source). If Equius and Nepeta are doing parodies of eachother’s masculinity/femininity here, only to be brutally killed, could this be regarded as precursor…? But the deaths themselves bear no resemblance at all…

I guess the idea of Dad having Equius’s attitude of being SO PROUD that his son has finally decided to kill him for supremacy is funny to me (even more so, but I’m not sure that it checks out…

…okay, when Nepeta is checking out her shipping wall she emphasizes the role reversal in Karkat Gamzee so I guess that’s our focus here?

…for Nepeta to enter the grate placed along the wall of ships makes it as though she entering the wall, the unreal place where all the possible union are true? Or that could just be where the grate is

…Kanaya sliced the left most transportalizer, which prevents her from being followed, but also from going back where she came from. Gamzee’s “miracles” imply a child-like state of blissful ignorance – the announcement of a miracle at this juncture, along with Nepeta travel in the direction that Kanaya has marked as impossible, make it seem as though Nepeta is going into the past…? So the horror of what Nepeta sees in the final grate should reflect a (possibly falsified) rendition of the past?

…likewise the arrow fired into the chessman’s eyes seems to suggest being blinded by the light (also the motif with Rose jabbing her ogre’s eyes out), hinting that some horrible truth lies ahead.

The truth being that, like Equius, John finds joy not in domination but submission? Or the reverse, if Gamzee is the figure of identification…? Or if this is truly a look into the past, this would be how John has come to regard his own relationship with Dad? As brutal subjugation, and forced deference? Which he has nonetheless come to fetishize (as per Equius’s ecstasy)? (If this were absolutely a memory, it would not be outlandish to accuse Dad of sexual abuse, given how Equius looks like he’s giving Gamzee head while he’s being choked, as though Equius were actually gagging on a dick. But for lack of any other instance of this coming up, it seems more likely to me that John has eroticized otherwise normal interactions with Dad?)

…but then what of the death of Nepeta? Is her failed attempt to avenge herself upon this past also a part of the dream? Does Gamzee scarring himself imply and integration of Equius’s knack for taking pleasure in pain?

3462: …or rather, Nepeta’s death marks the exact point that we exit the dream, the car’s beeps one again replacing Gamzee’s honks. So it’s as though she was John’s eyes, preparing to die a second death at the hands of the patriarch, and the result is an awakening, and fall back to Earth (crashing the car again).

3465: Oh goody, Vriska’s manifesting in response to all of this as John arrives at the castle. Please enlighten me Vriska, I’m dreadfully confused.

3466: Vriska telling John he looks great with his hood up reminds me of Vriska telling him how great he looks in her clothes, making me wonder if the windsock hoodie is being construed as long hair. In which case, as per Egbert’s weird gendering of hierarchy, it’s possible that his ultimate refusal to consider upending the total authority of (his image of) Dad comes with the feminization of himself…? Hence Vriska’s current interjection.

3467: …the doubt and regret surrounding Vriska’s lifetime of murder is loaded in a way I am utterly failing to parse. I don’t think Homestuck ever painted aggression as a ‘masculine virtue’ or whatever so there’s no reason to take John’s vocal horror at the bloodshed as a feminine thing.

3468: X marks the spot…. why here, though?

…Vriska seems to be making the connection between violence and sexuality, both noting that the game selects players on the cusp of sexual maturity and contending that if Karkat hadn’t done such a great job of brokering the peace between teams, perhaps more of them would have god tiered…

Her observation that the dead-girl (Aradia) had John’s same laptop is ominous for some reason. I know the kids have a paranoia that they are in the Matrix, and that if the die/wake up, they will suddenly be real – but stuff like this always makes me paranoid that someone is /actually/ secretly dead, like Aradia. Hate that feeling.

…more likely that John views himself as metaphorically dead, as a mere hollow vessel before the divine will, and thus feminized before God? But my ability to parse all of this deteriorated like 20 pages ago.

3475: involves Vriska and John musing how alike they are in emulating their ancestors, for anyone who wasn’t aware that was a Thing

…and we’re done. Well that was pointless. Let’s go to the point were dead!John and Vriska go on a date. Vriska opens up with a reminder that she made John change close, then mostly teases John about how she will kill him, as John intermittently brings up Little Monsters.

Did you know that in Little Monsters, the tire swing is used to represent a noose? It’s like when Vriska accused John of being obsessed with her as he attempted to prototype Grandpa’s blue beauties… the undertone was that he was obsessed with death (through the medium of the crypto corpses). Which is, more characterization of the dead/vessel as implicitly feminine or?

…I’m not learning a lot going through their d8 again, but I sure am getting sad.

…Yeah I’m getting nothing, psychology-wise. We’re done here.

[sinfvlsovls]

LEVI BOHAN : AN INTRODUCTION.

( theo james, thirty, male, he/him )  — whoa, was that LEVI ISAAC BOHAN i just saw at HARRIMOND STATE PARK? i’ve seen them around town before, they’ve been here for 11 MONTHS. from what i’ve heard, they work for the DELUCA family. for a DEATH DEALER, they’ve been known to be -CYNICAL and -TEMPERAMENTAL, but can also be +ASTUTE and +DEBONAIR. i hope they don’t cause too much trouble!

* insert matthew mcconaughey voice here. * alright alright alright!!! s’up angel faces? ‘tis i, your friendly neighbourhood loser chrissie and boy am i excited to be here among all you talented souls! anyways, i’m gonna attempt to piece together some semblance of an introduction here but forgive me if it’s rubbish ( or waaay too rambly ), i’m the worst ever. you should know, i’m utter plot trash and a major sucker for all of the angst so put the two together and i’m totally there but honestly, throw any plot at me and i will welcome it with open arms. the best place to reach me is on discord ( nep#1610 ) so consider yourselves officially invited to spam me with plots and head canons please and thank you!!! 

THE BASICS.

NAME: Levi Isaac Bohan. AGE: Thirty. GENDER: Cisgender Male. NATIONALITY: British. ORIENTATION: Heterosexual. OCCUPATION: Death Dealer. AFFILIATION: The DeLuca Family. 

THE PERSONA.

The only sentiment that could be expressed about Levi is that of his debonair haughtiness; the perfect balance of an eloquently confident intellect all wrapped up in an artfully sarcastic and impulsively reckless man. Yet there remains a concealed element to him, one he’s perfectly mastered the art of hiding beneath the surface. Ones initial opinion of Levi might be that he appears shallow, the kind of person who is self-absorbed, caring about himself only. To those on the outside looking in, Levi might seem somewhat superficial. That all there is to him is his satirical tongue, aloof nature and a permanent subtle smirk etched into the corner of his mouth. Although on the surface he appears to be a carbon copy of every brooding, mysterious man, adorning all-black attire who drives a jet-black 1963 Corvette Stingray, deep down there is more substance contained within. Despite his suave manner and borderline sarcastic flirtations, deep down, Levi remains the same man who adored his wife.

There is no doubt that Levi carries an air of mystery around him which is further amplified by his lack of opening up or exposing his emotions. Equally, there is no denying that he is incredibly talented at wearing a mask to conceal his feelings 99% of the time. In spite of his volatile tendencies and underneath his sarcastic and cocky demeanour, Levi has a big heart and possesses the capacity to care for a select few people, those he will put before himself; which is rare yet remains to exist inside the crevices of his puzzling persona. This is an element of his persona he’d rather keep in the shadows as he believes it displays weakness and he’d hate for anybody to exploit his Achilles heel. One could say that the attire Levi selects, the facade he plasters on every day is just an act to cover up the fact he is a well-mannered, old-fashioned man who has never been able to shake the wistfulness and memories of past eras from his soul. Where he may come across at times as an indifferent character, Levi is extremely ambitious, always feeling the need to prove himself; a man who is highly skilled and equally as intelligent as he is adept at the majority of things he puts his mind to.

On the flip side of the arrogant and mocking element within, there also lies a segment of Levi that can be extremely persuasive; the portion of him that is aware of his looks which he exploits for his benefit. He knows just how to turn on the charm and talk his way out of situations. His evasive and pretentious attitude can make him seem cocky and unfeeling but as soon as he begins caring for someone, he transforms into an entire polar opposite version of himself. But this is a rarity and so he usually fails to become attached enough to someone to change. Although this vulnerable, caring side of Levi exists, it is important to remember that buried deep down underneath his abundance of angst, Levi’s core is that of a smart ass with a sense of humour. The ease of narcissism and offhand sardonic quips accompanied by a roguish simper the basis of his character.

When he is alone and his flawlessly fashioned charm crumbles to the ground beneath him, the reality of his situation and past decisions kick in, becoming a myriad of memories; a plethora of emotions that overwhelm him to an excessive extent. It is in those vulnerable moments when Levi reaches for the only cures he believes might one day work. The comforting warmth of alcohol burning his throat or the draw of a strong cigarette filling his lungs is what he uses to aid his relentless thoughts; to hush the ghosts that consistently haunt the deepest, darkest cracks of his restless mind. Of course, his actions throughout his life have provided him with more than enough damage, much more than alcohol or nicotine could ever give him. Such catastrophes caused by his self, those are the cause of his burdened soul.

THE HISTORY.

For the most part, Levi’s upbringing had been altogether a positive one. He experienced a sheltered life where he wanted for nothing. His family held a very secured position in society with his father being a renowned criminal lawyer and his mother being a neurosurgeon. It would be safe to say Levi had a lot to live up to.

Growing up a lot was expected of Levi and his future had pretty much been mapped out for him by his parents. Levi didn't mind all that much but his younger years weren't entirely his own. 

Eventually, after Levi had obtained a law degree, he began working alongside his father. Naturally, his father had been proud of his son, going as far as even changing his firm’s name to Bohan & Son.

All in all, Levi had a pleasant life and he often wondered how things could get any better for him. Then along came Olivia, a beautiful woman who immediately captured Levi’s heart at the age of twenty-three.

Eventually, the two wound up married. Those blessed three years Levi spent with Olivia are what the man now clings onto desperately for he knows he’ll never feel happiness like it ever again. 

Levi was twenty-seven when Olivia was murdered. Levi had arrived at their home to find his wife lying in a pool of her own blood and it was clear to the man who was responsible. After he had successfully managed to win a case against a notorious member of a drug cartel, a man known to have committed many atrocities, murder included, that was the moment a target had been placed on not only his head but that of everyone he cared about.

Levi had been warned the guy wasn't to be messed with, he was advised by his father against taking the case in the first place. He can still recall his father urging him that the man had connections and the likelihood of them gunning for him was extremely probable. But the case was massive and some selfish part of Levi wanted to prove he was worth his salt, to advance his career. For a small moment, he didn't care about anything else but putting the man behind bars. It had taken a hell of a lot for the police to get their hands on him so the media coverage was colossal as was the sudden interest in Levi. It was short-sighted and to this day, the biggest regret Levi has. That one night had cost Levi everything he held dear in life and it was something he would never forgive himself for. 

With a deep-rooted rage and an overwhelming thirst for revenge, to see blood spilt, Levi set out on a mission he was determined to accomplish. It had taken him many months and sure, it was risky as hell but somehow, maybe through divine intervention, he managed to pull it off. He managed to hunt down and put down the man who killed his wife. It made him sick to his stomach and when the reality slapped him in the face that he was definitely on a hit list, he had no choice but to run. 

With blood-stained hands and a guilt-ridden heart, Levi fled London; an overwhelming sense of hollowness riddling his chest. It felt as though the organ itself had been carved straight out of its confines, that it no longer existed.

Unable to live with himself, Levi moved around a lot in the following years, looking over his shoulder, until he eventually wound up in New York almost a year ago. Presumably dead to all who mattered to him, Levi remained a desolate and hopeless man, scarcely more than a shadow on the streets of Manhattan. 

For the first few months of his residing in New York, Levi spent his days alone in the bars, drinking himself into a stupor and his nights running wild, getting into fist-fights, drawing blood if some unfortunate soul crossed his path. He had a lot of anger. A lot.

Levi used to be destined for greatness, a brilliant, bright-eyed boy and now he was the man people avoided, crossing the road to get to the other side of the street. He no longer cared about much at all. It no longer mattered how much he had loved Olivia, nor did it matter if his father spent the majority of his remaining existence wondering where his son had disappeared to. 

As Levi continued to spiral, a gradual loathing toward himself settled deep within the crevices of his darkened mind. In the end, Levi was left in the dark, alone; broken and believing himself to be worthless and undeserving.

At least, that was until the DeLucas came along and offered him a job. Well, that's what Levi prefers to refer to his line of 'work' as. Outright calling himself a murderer was far too excessive for his taste. 

At first, admittedly, Levi had been sceptical about the proposition until he figured he already had blood on his hands and it would never dry; there was already a black mark on his soul, no point in caring now. 

Initially, Levi thought that taking the life of another human for the second time would have the same effect as it did the first time but when the guilt he expected never came, he realised he felt nothing. Emptiness, even. It was at that moment Levi accepted that he was capable of doing bad things and he was capable of doing them well.

These days, Levi is a shell of the man he used to be in those blissful years with his family. At one point in his life, Levi firmly believed he would have his happily ever after, but when his chance at happiness had come knocking, a cruel twist of fate had to snatch that away from him. Nowadays he has resigned himself to the reality that contentment is never going to be an emotion he will feel in his heart again. 

Levi is closed off and secluded for the most part. He is mysterious, full of rage and self-loathing and holds everyone in his life at arm’s length, afraid to let them in; only permitting people to see what he wants them to see and know what he wants them to know. 

EXTRAS.

For further information, I have a stats page HERE. I also made a Pinterest board for Levi ( because I’m a sucker for the aesthetics, sue me ) so you can check that out HERE. As for wanted connections and potential plots, I’m working on a page for that but here are some I’d absolutely love:

Fellow assassins ( people he knows who share the same line of work as him; could be DeLuca or O’Hara affiliated. ) A clash of personalities ( someone who challenges or disagrees with him and he returns the favour although they could be friends or enemies. ) Former flings/hookups ( again, can be affiliated with any family and could be angsty or chill. ) Confidant/best pal ( I mean, he doesn’t really do the whole best friends thing but everybody needs a friend, right? ) Friend-ish ( people he can actually tolerate and stand to be around for more than 5 minutes without wanting to either punch them in the face or stab himself in the eye with a fork. ) Drinking buddy ( pretty self-explanatory; the man’s got issues so booze is his friend and who wants to drink alone? )

Give me all of the connections from friends, frenemies, enemies, rivals and everything else in between. Added bonus if there's angst or drama. If you have anything in mind feel free to throw it at me, I’m open to the majority of things and have zero triggers so come at me bro.

[arrowstheory]

ARROW THEORY LIFE CARAVAGGIO TS046A

I remembered there were once iconoclasts. To this day, the Eastern Church approves only icons. Islam only abstract arabesques without figurative representations of the personifications of deities and forces of nature. Only writing, which is necessarily elevated to the pictogram of an ideal pattern, is the graphic message of abstraction. Protestants in Europe threatened the Catholic Church. It is best to burn all images, because they are unworthy to represent divine beings. What about the poor who can't read? Are they not worthy to learn the truths of God from the paintings? In response, Catholicism began to paint the churches richly. Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio luminist was a Lombard. The gynecologist treats the eye, and it should ... an ophthalmologist! Do you make cloves? Do you spark with rage? Because he sparked all his life from 1573 to 1610. The plague took his parents. He apprenticed in Milan and went to Rome in 1596. He created realistic, avant-garde painting with a revolutionary, provocative, shocking view of the world. tenebross manners. But first he overcame the icing and glaze of academic copying and realistic mannerism. He knew how to make a career in Rome. Who cares today? When is this 1596? Was sugar and mirrors more expensive then? Did Toruń gingerbread reach the Vatican? Or maybe the cars have installed a catalyst and mufflers? How many were burned at the stake? How many virgins, at the age of nine, were married off to unwanted husbands, wealthy old men who were to be respected and poisoned quietly? He humbly copied the old masters until they cried out to him: You dumb asshole! This is how the visions of paradise and the most subtle, tasteful shapes were created, shrouded in vibrating light and the glow of internal colors. He suddenly changed the whole world and the existing order of drawing and colors. Darkness and Chaos were his guardians. Glowing colors emerged from the background lit by a candle, flash, dawn, glow. Caravaggio didn't draw anything. Observation and painting immediately. He took people from the market, from the street. He was painting. It was like the sergeant's rough friendship. A boy with a basket of fruit, clumsy and clumsy in his movements. Then his self-portrait as Bacchus, a symbol of beauty and youth. Nothing could be more wrong! The grapes are dead and rotten. Greasy hand with a border of dirt. Sick face with greenish lips. And not sleepy eyes. The cardinal learned about this miracle. Del Monte. Michelangelo paints sharpshirts with rose lips and firm cheeks. The cardinal buys the painting for a song and brings Caravaggio into his home. Caravaggio liked music. Was he playing the cornet? The singer is already crying his eyes, and yet he is tuning the lute. Maybe he couldn't tune? Instrument for a song of love. Amor sits next to it, showing a hump on his back. Caravaggio paints closeness. No distance between the souls in the painting and the souls of the viewers. He is the master. General Tarik from beyond the grave kisses the country of his robe, not to say brush tip ... silly associations.

The painting Martyrdom of Matthew asked for an angelic host in heaven. The church itself asked for filth. Jesus points at Matthew with his finger in a small dive. He turns a sinner into a disciple of Christ. Mateusz was a rogue and was chosen. Would we call him a terrorist or a partisan today? He had no choice and it fell on him. Well, it's God's finger. Christ placed in the shadow. We see the finger in brightness.

Trembling. Flickering light. Whirling worlds. The illuminated figure of the sinner is getting ready to strike. The coward escapes death. It shows the second face. Impetuous, brutal, unpredictable. He renounces his own brother and thinks that he will get away with everything. He teaches his dog, Raven, to walk on its hind legs. We'll fry your eggs in olive oil. It's a threat written in court files. The finger of unfaithful Thomas was deeply inserted into the open wound of Jesus. Everyone believed. Jesus took his wrist and pulled Thomas's hand towards him. This is the most important truth about people. How to hurt divinity to convince man? How to bite a wound to experience the truth? Shocking faces, hardened feet, dirty nails. His painting was more and more often referred to as indecent. Caravaggio is released from custody after months. No judgment. He trains dagger fights. Michelangelo da Caravaggio. He told the guard, who checked his written permission for the sword and dagger, to stick his good night up his ass. And he was arrested again. He brutally ordered the servant to sniff the artichokes, trying to force them to be in butter or olive oil. He made a fuss not only in taverns. Brushes, the dampness of paints, he painted not disembodied but the body. The green skin of a drowned prostitute stolen from the dissecting room. Caravaggio paints her as a saint for the Carmelite nuns in Rome's poorest neighborhood, as a pieta. The one who supposedly fell asleep before she ascended. What is this biscuit so thin and a bit of liver on top? I roll down to the monastery. A Jewish girl to the convent? beginning on www.kuby.pl in chapter TS001

[tessagrayfighter]

On the same note Matthew is unwell. I dont know if anyone else has had a friend with a substance abuse problem but it’s so hard. It’s hard to watch someone who you love and is so young hurt themselves or cope this way. Cordelia is also coping with the fact that her whole childhood was sheltered away form that kind of abuse. She’s also still seventeen so still a child. She’s still young but she has agency to make her own decisions. As a person who grew up with a parent with substance abuse issues and also had friends like Matthew I can tell you the the first thing you want to do with your friend is help them get better ( even when you don’t possess the ability to do so)

As I said The TLH gang besides Alistair and maybe Matthew are all made to be very sheltered. Most of them are in comfortable family situations were they are loved and supported. Even Anna and other LGBTQIA+ characters are loved and supported which is nice considering this is the early 1900s. I’m not saying this to say it make them weak but I think it was purposeful on the narratives part to show how unprepared most of the characters are for what they have to face

Cordelia is also under a lot of pressure at the beginning of the series to save face and marry as quickly as possible and though she wants to marry for Love it’s not really a luxury she can afford at that moment.

James on the other hand has that luxury as a white heterosexual man in 1903 England. His only inconvenience is that he’s got some demon blood in him and really that’s all. He’s still attractive to other people. His eligibility isn’t hindered because he’s rich and desirable. His only issue is the graclete. (Also the boy is just weirdly really horny like find an outlet for yourself dude)

Matthew is very damaged in his ability to help himself. Only he can stop himself from drinking. Cordelia is not going fix him. He’s not going to stop drinking for her he need a to do it for himself.

On the matter of James and Matthew a lot of their relationship relays on Matthew feeling like he needs to protect his friends against himself. He is the friend who needs to protect James from the prejudice of the clave with his status. He does this with Christopher and Thomas as well. Thinking he needs to protect them from rumors and among other things explosions.

Compared to Jem and Will, James and Matthew have loving parents and have other friends. In TFTSA it seems like the only reason James wants a parabati is because he wants the kind of love and support Will found with Jem and Tessa not realizing the that was all his father had at the time. James has other relationships... he has a sister who he gets along with and two parents who love him. Will did not have that growing up. He only had Jem. On the flip side Matthew has his status and at least the appearance of stability. People like him comparing Matthew to Will ( which I think is a more interesting comparison I’ve seen) Matthew at least can tell people about what is bothering him but chooses not to. He’s less wise them he thinks he is.

Cordelia is more optimistic then Tessa if we’re comparing the two. *Insert joke about Tessa being form New York here*But she also is more integrated into Shadowhunter society. She is more self conscious because one,( and a lot of y’all forget this) she’s a woman of color in a setting where that puts her at a disadvantage to her white counterparts; two, her father is on trial and later revealed not to be a great person; three her whole family is depending on her to marry well. Tessa has at least the opportunity to marry whoever she wants because the clave at least at first doesn’t give a fuck about her and what she does. Society has little impact on the the plot in TID as it has most to do with in TLH.

The difference between the love triangle between Herongraystairs and whatever the fuck is going on with James, Cordelia and Matthew is that Tessa tore her heart into two to make sure Will and Jem aren't separated.

Tessa knows how much Will and Jem love each other from the very few months she'd been there and she never let the way she feels about them both ruin their relationship.

Cordelia has known Matthew and James longer (due to Lucie's letters) so she must know how close they are. And yet, she gives Matthew false hope by agreeing to run away with him and in doing so, made James get sorta mad at Matthew.

Cordelia is indirectly causing James and Matthew to have problems and Tessa has not once done that.

I just- this doesn't make sense at all and tlh went so far downhill when you compare it to tid

(ps pls don't hate, this is my opinion. I genuinely like the characters in tlh. I just don't like how they're written)

[capstagepemberley]

Pride & Prejudice - A virtual book club

The following is the content I sent by email as a companion to reading Pride & Prejudice.

Hello!

Hopefully by now you’ve all had an introduction to the Bennets, the Bingleys, the Lucases, and of course the infamous Mr. Darcy. To start things off, relationships in this story are very important and often get a little muddled, so to help you keep track of who is whose cousin you can find a handy multiple-families tree here! I’ve highlighted in yellow those characters in Pride and Prejudice that also appear in Miss Bennet (not pictured: Arthur, Anne de Bourgh’s cousin).

Chapter I starts us off with possibly Jane Austen’s most famous line: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” This and the following paragraph really set the tone (for most of Austen’s work, not just P&P) of wryness but still an acceptance that there’s a social system and everyone works within it, for better or worse. This opening scene also introduces you to one of Austen’s strengths as a writer: she presents her characters incredibly effectively primarily through their dialog. Pay attention to the first time each character speaks - you can usually paint yourself a clear picture of their personality from that (Fun fact: the original draft of this story was titled First Impressions).

We get our first character sketches of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, who don’t make it on stage in our show but certainly loom large as the patriarch and matriarch of the Bennet sisters. Mrs. Bennet is obsessed with society and social rules, and of course with finding suitable husbands for her daughters. Mr. Bennet is the tree that Elizabeth, as the apple, didn’t fall far from. He’s clever, pragmatic, and takes a lot of pleasure in teasing his hysterical wife. He also loves his daughters very much, although there are indications throughout the book that he isn’t the most responsible father: his disdain for Mrs. Bennet’s obsession with getting the girls well-married, and his failure to set up appropriate legacies to support the girls after his death, means that he’s leaving his daughters to a very precarious future.

These first few scenes also give a nice flavor of typical daily life for members of this level of society. There were lots of rules for paying calls for social visits, and people gave or attended dinners and balls regularly. With all this day-to-day socializing in small, insular communities, it makes sense that the action in Austen’s novels is often catalyzed by strangers (usually men) coming to town, as Bingley and company do in P&P.

Austen wastes no time setting up the central conflicts of the novel by the end of Chapter VII: the Bingley-Jane romance,the Darcy-Elizabeth battle of wits, and the entail of the Bennet estate. It isn’t clear how Bingley and Darcy originally met, but it is clear that they are very dear friends: “Between him and Darcy there was a very steady friendship, in spite of a great opposition of character. - Bingley was endeared to Darcy by the easiness, openness, ductility of his temper, though no disposition could offer a greater contrast to his own, and though with his own he never appeared dissatisfied. On the strength of Darcy’s regard Bingley had the firmest reliance, and of his judgment the highest opinion.” Bingley is introduced as the light-hearted, effusive, and romantic foil to Darcy’s aloof and brooding temperament: “Bingley was sure of being liked wherever he appeared, Darcy was continually giving offence.” This is also played out in the histories that are suggested for both of them. Indications early on in the book imply that the Bingleys are new money, and our Bingley is the first who has not worked at a trade (Bingley rents Netherfield because his father “had intended to purchase an estate, but did not live to do it”). In contrast, the Darcy family is old money with a great deal of prestige as well - we find out that one of Darcy’s uncles was a judge which at the time was an extremely prestigious appointment with only about 15 judges in all of England. In contrast with these two fortunes, the Bennet estate is entailed which means that it transfers only to the closest living male heir, so the Bennet sisters stand only to inherit a small amount of money from their mother when she dies but not benefit from their father’s estate when he does. This puts them in a much weaker social position for marrying, because they would become dependent on their husband’s family wealth rather than contributing to it.

We also get a couple of glimpses of Mary’s pedantic character, like the scene in Chapter V when she inserts herself into what’s basically a gossipy conversation between Elizabeth and Charlotte to give a fairly prissy thesis statement on the failing of pridefulness. Sorry Elyse, you’re much sweeter in the play :)

I think it’s a particularly apt characterization that Darcy’s attraction to Elizabeth starts with his recognizing her “uncommonly intelligent” nature; in fact he dismisses her as not particularly attractive before he’s recognized her intelligence.

Elizabeth’s teasing, non-conformist side, very much like her father, is perfectly encapsulated in Chapter VI: “Miss Lucas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him, which immediately provoking Elizabeth to do it, she turned to him and said…”

Lydia’s plot gets started in Chapter VII when more strangers come to town, this time a regiment of militiamen who are stationed in the village. This introduces us a little bit more to Lydia and Kitty, the youngest of the Bennets, who spend a lot of time visiting their aunt and uncle so they can get to know all of the officers and basically talk about nothing else.

The end of this section is devoted to Jane’s illness and convalescence at Netherfield (Bingley’s house), where Elizabeth joins her. Being in close quarters with the Bingleys and Darcy, we get to see how judgey Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst are of the Bennets as simple, country folk; Bingley and Jane falling in love; Darcy becoming more and more fond of Elizabeth and her quick-witted ways; and Elizabeth confirming her opinion of Darcy and Miss Bingley as stuck-up.

OK, so this section largely features one of Austen’s most hilariously self-important characters who, sadly, isn’t visiting Pemberley this Christmas ;) For our purposes, Mr. Collins (like Charlotte) doesn’t inform much of Miss Bennet, but they are instrumental in P&P for getting Elizabeth and Darcy into the same room again later in the story, and also connecting us to Lady Catherine de Bourgh and her daughter, Anne.

For those of you who’ve watched Downton Abbey, Collins is a much-less-dreamy Matthew Crawley; he is the distant cousin who is the only living male relative of Mr. Bennet and thus will inherit all of the Bennet estate upon Mr. Bennet’s death. And to his credit, although it doesn’t work out in the end, he does come to Longbourn with the idea that maybe one of the Bennet sisters would be a suitable match for him and thus help out his female relatives by tying them back to their father’s fortune by marriage.

We get a LOT of information about Lady Catherine by way of Collins’ obsession with her. The first thing that readers of the time would have noticed is that, although Lady Catherine was married to a “Sir” (Sir Lewis, who is deceased), her title comes from her father rather than her husband. Women whose titles were linked to their husbands would only be referred to by their surname (Lady de Bourgh) but women inheriting a title from their parent would have their first name included as Lady Catherine does. We’ll find out later that Lady Catherine’s father was an earl, one of the three highest ranks of nobility in England, so she has a very prestigious pedigree in society. We also get an introduction to Anne, although like the praises of Lady Catherine there’s definitely an unreliable narrator feeling to the way Collins describes her.

Anne de Bourgh is said to be the heiress of Rosings and Lady Catherine’s estate, which is the reason for that little bit of detail near the beginning of Miss Bennet about the de Bourgh estate actually being entailed. As we’ll see in the next section, it’s entirely imaginable that Lady Catherine would have made bold assertions about her late husband’s estate that weren’t *completely* backed up by reality.

And you get to see more of the mischievous nature that Elizabeth and her father share when listening to Collins speak: “[Mr. Bennet’s] cousin was as absurd as he had hoped, and he listened to him with the keenest enjoyment, maintaining at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance, and except in an occasional glance at Elizabeth, requiring no partner in his pleasure.”

In Chapter XV we meet Wickham, who is also not on stage in Miss Bennet but definitely a part of the story. For those of you reading P&P for the first time, sorry about the spoilers but Wickham is going to turn out not to be quite the gentleman the girls all think he is in this chapter. Looking back in hindsight, this is a great example of how Darcy’s upstanding (but aloof) personality can be a double-edged sword for him. His sense of propriety keeps him from telling anyone in the Meryton area about Wickham’s past behavior, but he can’t help showing his emotions when they meet. Since Wickham has no problem lying for his own benefit, this makes Darcy look like the asshole in this situation, which only confirms everyone’s opinion of him as a stuck-up jerk (sorry, JR).

Here is Jane, the eternal peacemaker, in a nutshell (from Chapter XVII): “...she knew not how to believe that Mr. Darcy could be so unworthy of Mr. Bingley’s regard; and yet, it was not in her nature to question the veracity of a young man of such amiable appearance as Wickham. - The possibility of his having really endured such unkindness, was enough to interest all her tender feelings; and nothing therefore remained to be done, but to think well of them both, to defend the conduct of each, and throw into the account of accident or mistake, whatever could not be otherwise explained.”

Also a pretty good nutshell for giddy Lydia: “The happiness anticipated by [Kitty] and Lydia, depended less on any single event, or any particular person, for though they each...meant to dance half the evening with Mr. Wickham, he was by no means the only partner who could satisfy them, and a ball was at any rate, a ball.”

One more for nerdy Mary: “While I can have my mornings to myself...I think it no sacrifice to join occasionally in evening engagements. Society has claims on us all; and I profess myself one of those who consider intervals of recreation and amusement as desirable for every body.”

At the Netherfield ball in Chapter XVIII, we get another link in the relationship chain when we find out (again through Collins) that Darcy is Lady Catherine’s nephew (which makes him Anne de Bourgh’s cousin). We also see more evidence of Darcy being uncomfortable in social situations in a way that can provide a forgivable explanation for his coldness. The description of him “standing within a very short distance of [Elizabeth], quite disengaged, he never came near enough to speak” along with his conversation with Bingley at the first ball about how he’s only comfortable with people he knows, indicates that maybe he’s just too shy to know how to approach Elizabeth especially now that he knows she doesn’t think much of him in relation to Wickham’s story.

Also at the ball, we see several back to back examples of how the Bennet family is often kind of a social catastrophe. Obviously, Collins’ behavior is embarrassing, and then Mrs. Bennet doesn’t know how to use her inside voice at the supper table, Mary gives a painful singing performance, and Mr. Bennet manages to make the embarrassment worse by making it obvious that he’s trying to rescue Mary from continuing. I think it’s safe to say that both Jane, but especially Elizabeth since she isn’t as appeasing as Jane, have a lot of experience with trying to mitigate embarrassment by other members of the family.

The rest of this section sets all of the pieces in motion for the next phase of action: Caroline (Bingley’s sister) contrives a plan to get Bingley to move back to London and away from Jane to break them up, Collins proposes to Elizabeth and is turned down flat, then is picked up and dusted off by practical Charlotte whose move to Hunsford after she and Collins get married gives an excuse for Elizabeth to get out and do some visiting soon.

My thoughts in this section are particularly Elizabeth-based: She has a very strong reaction to her best friend Charlotte agreeing to marry Collins: “She had always felt that Charlotte’s opinion of matrimony was not exactly like her own, but she could not have supposed it possible that when called into action, she would have sacrificed every better feeling to worldly advantage. Charlotte the wife of Mr. Collins, was a most humiliating picture! - And to the pang of a friend disgracing herself and sunk in her esteem, was added the distressing conviction that it was impossible for that friend to be tolerably happy in the lot she had chosen.” 

The beginning of Volume II shows us the clear distinction between Jane’s and Elizabeth’s temperaments. When the Bingleys have unexpectedly left for London, Elizabeth is indignant, resentful, angry, and contemptuous of the conniving Miss Bingley and the inconstant Mr. Bingley. Jane, on the other hand, is terribly sad but consoles herself by thinking that at least her “error of fancy” has harmed only herself. As Elizabeth says to her, “You wish to think all the world respectable, and are hurt if I speak ill of any body. I only want to think you perfect, and you set yourself against it.”

We also get to see again the way Jane and Elizabeth clearly have to fend for themselves emotionally in the absence of appropriate parental care. Mrs. Bennet won’t stop talking about Bingley’s disappearance as if it hurt her directly, never noticing that she keeps opening the wound for Jane instead of letting it heal. And Mr. Bennet just jokes about how sometimes girls like to “be crossed in love a little” to give them something to break up the dullness.

Some new characters come into play in Chapter II, Mrs. Bennet’s brother and sister-in-law, the Gardiners. These are also minor characters that really only need to be kept track of because they give Elizabeth and Jane opportunities for visiting outside of Meryton later, which moves their two love story plots along. Mrs. Gardiner is much more sensible than her sister-in-law, and provides Elizabeth with some good advice about not letting her heart get carried away with Wickham (although it’s about the practicalities of both Elizabeth and Wickham being fairly poor, rather than a knowledge of Wickham’s bad behavior).

Everyone scatters a bit in Chapter III, with Charlotte getting married and moving to the parsonage at Rosings Park with Mr. Collins, and Jane going back to London with the Gardiners to stay with them for awhile. At this point, Elizabeth agrees to go visit Charlotte in a few months, and then later she agrees to go on a summer tour of the Lake Country with her uncle and aunt, the Gardiners. All of these trips let Austen reverse her earlier formula of creating action by bringing strangers into town; now she can create action by sending the locals out into new environments.

When Elizabeth goes to visit Charlotte’s new home, she finds a Mr. Collins who is just as insanely obsequious and annoying as he is earlier in the book. But she also sees Charlotte in a new light when she recognizes all the subtle ways that the new Mrs. Collins has found to control her husband and her environment to make it pleasant and comfortable. It’s nice to see Elizabeth’s harsh opinion of Charlotte’s choice softening enough to recognize all the good qualities of her old friend again.

And then finally, in Chapter VI, we meet Lady Catherine de Bourgh! A couple of things for our purposes: obviously, Lady Catherine is dead in Miss Bennet. And, in Pride & Prejudice, we don’t get very much direct interaction with Anne de Bourgh at all. BUT, all of these sections that include Lady Catherine and Anne (in the background) are really instructive for how Anne lived her life presumably until her mother’s death. Pay attention to how much she’s talked about, and how little she’s talked to. And her mother’s way of interacting with everyone - because this is just about the only model for being an adult woman that Anne has in her life. OK, so, Lady Catherine is:

Obsessed with rank, and making sure everyone knows hers and their own

Extremely narcissistic

Extremely critical, nosey, scolding, and officious

Oblivious to anyone else’s needs/feelings/etc.

She also makes constant excuses for Anne and why she’s never learned any of the usual ladylike pursuits of playing, singing, painting, etc.

The end of this section (starting in Chapter VII) brings Darcy to Rosings Park, along with another cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam. Fitzwilliam’s personality is a sort of balance between Darcy’s and Bingley’s. He’s very friendly and easygoing, but has a steadiness to him that is similar to Darcy’s sense of properness. Fortunately for Darcy, Fitzwilliam also has Charlotte’s brand of practicality as we’ll soon learn, which puts a stop to what might otherwise have been a romance between him and Elizabeth.

Before we get into this section, have you all noticed how often Austen seems to describe people paying visits to each other and then just sitting in a room and having long breaks of silence in the conversation?? It’s really struck me on this read through, and I can’t tell if she is trying to describe kind of forced conversation or if her experience really was that sometimes you go to visit somebody and you just sit around and not talk. Anyway, not really relevant but curious to me.

Of course what reminded me of that is poor Darcy and his real struggles with interpersonal communication. I think this scene in Chapter IX is an awfully cute example of him starting to act like he has human emotions like curiosity and interest in others, and immediately clamming back up: “Mr. Darcy drew his chair a little towards her, and said, ‘You cannot have a right to such very strong local attachment. You cannot have been always at Longbourn.’ Elizabeth looked surprised. The gentleman experienced some change of feeling; he drew back his chair, took a newspaper from the table, and, glancing over it, said, in a colder voice, ‘Are you pleased with Kent?’”

In Chapter X we basically wrap up the Col. Fitzwilliam plot, in which he acts as a conduit for some information that Elizabeth needs to keep the story going: While chatting with Elizabeth, they both “jokingly” talk about how the youngest son of an Earl (i.e., not the one who will inherit the fortune) can’t afford to marry someone who isn’t wealthy, and come to an unspoken understanding that it’s not meant to be between them for practical reasons. It’s cleverly done, and a good juxtaposition of Fitzwilliam’s communication skills with Darcy’s. We also learn that Fitzwilliam is co-guardian of Georgiana Darcy, Mr. Darcy’s younger sister, which will add some weight to an upcoming revelation. And finally, although Fitzwilliam doesn’t know that he’s talking to the sister of the jilted, he divulges that Darcy recently advised “someone” against an unfortunate match with a country lady. With an annoying family. From near Netherfield. It’s Jane, you guys. All of this perfectly sets up a scenario where Elizabeth’s fury against Darcy has reached a fever pitch just in time for…..him to propose!

The surprise proposal in Chapter XI (were you surprised??) shows off all of Darcy’s worst behaviors of officiousness and pride. We could probably somewhat forgive him for failing to read the room with Elizabeth, since she keeps her dislike pretty close to the vest, but telling someone that you love them even though their family is the worst and you tried to stop yourself from falling in love but you’ll take them anyway, is not the most tactful/charming proposal. Elizabeth shows off all of her prejudices as well, but I’ll say this - at least she’s not coy about explaining exactly what her complaints re: Jane and Wickham are, which opens the door up for Darcy to explain himself later. Still, they both get their licks in and then retreat to their corners to try and figure out what just happened.

Next Aside: From here out, there’s a fair amount of talk about Elizabeth’s and Darcy’s relationship (obviously). There are lots of interesting things to be said about Austen and feminism, and if anyone’s interested in talking with me about them I would love to, but obviously this book was published in 1813 and was solidly rooted in a deep-seated patriarchal society. In spite of all that, I’m going to refer to Elizabeth’s and Darcy’s relationship as one of equals because Elizabeth certainly has more agency than other characters of the time (or even the book), and also because I think we all know that we’re producing a romantic comedy and sometimes it’s nice to leave the really deep analysis at home.

So, moving into Chapters XII and XIII, we see one of the greatest strengths of Elizabeth and Darcy, and the next indication of why they are a good match. Despite the blow-up they just had, and their individual opinions that they are in the right, they both take the time to apply their intelligence and reason to considering the other person’s position. Darcy gets the upper hand here a bit because Elizabeth’s opinion is at least half based on Wickham’s lies. Of course, Darcy has to swallow his pride enough to explain the embarrassment of the real story of Wickham’s relations with the Darcys, which is a very real sacrifice for someone as proud as Darcy. Through the letter Elizabeth gets a whole new picture of Darcy - not so much the way he handled the Bingley/Jane situation, although it puts his intentions in a slightly new light - but definitely in respect to Wickham. Darcy’s reflection and gradual change occur later than Elizabeth’s, but even with him taking the time to write and deliver the letter we see him start to realize the importance of explaining himself and his thoughts, and doing so in a somewhat more gentle way than before.

Shortly after Darcy and Fitzwilliam leave Rosings Park, Elizabeth does as well and heads home to Longbourn after picking up Jane in London.

Chapter XVI is where Lydia starts to really show off her immaturity and self-interest. She:

Comes to meet her sisters and treat them to lunch, but

Uses up all her money buying a bonnet that she says isn’t very nice (but not the ugliest!), so

Tells Jane and Elizabeth they’ll have to pay for everyone’s lunch instead, and then

Laughs about how fun it is that they’re crammed uncomfortably into the carriage for the ride home because of her new, not-that-pretty bonnet and its box.

And later that evening at dinner, she goes back to telling everyone how she and Kitty treated their sisters to lunch.

In Chapter XVII, here’s sweet Jane again, being sweet. She can’t be surprised at anyone loving her sister, and she can’t help but feel sorry for Darcy who must be so disappointed at how things turned out. Elizabeth has a cute juxtaposition of she and Elizabeth when she says “Your profusion [of regret and compassion] makes me saving; and if you lament over him much longer, my heart will be light as a feather.”

Elizabeth also expresses the beginnings of her transformation when she half (maybe just a quarter) jokingly laments that no longer disliking Darcy is bad for her wittiness: “One may be continually abusive without saying any thing just; but one cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.”

Meanwhile, Wickham’s militia regiment is getting ready to leave town, and Kitty and Lydia (especially Lydia) won’t stop talking about how their lives are OVER. Lydia gets a reprieve though, when her friend who is a relatively new wife of the regiment’s colonel invites Lydia to go to Brighton with them. Mr. Bennet is passive enough to let this happen, even though Elizabeth warns him that Mrs. Forster (the friend) isn’t exactly a prudent companion for Lydia, and Lydia is far too improper to go to Brighton without adequate supervision. Here are some adjectives Elizabeth uses to describe Lydia: vain, ignorant, idle, flirtatious, attention-seeking. And here’s a passage about Lydia’s dreams of summer vacation: “She saw with the creative eye of fancy, the streets of that gay bathing place covered with officers. She saw herself the object of attention, to tens and to scores of them at present unknown. She saw all the glories of the camp; its tents stretched forth in beauteous uniformity of lines, crowded with the young and the gay, and dazzling with scarlet [uniforms]; and to complete the view, she saw herself seated beneath a tent, tenderly flirting with at least six officers at once.”

I have new thoughts on Lydia this read through, but I’m going to save them for a bit later because it feels chronologically wrong to put them here. So if you’re thinking to yourself that Lydia is a bit picked on for just being herself - hold that thought!

Chapter XIX is an interesting little meditation on Elizabeth’s thoughts about marriage coming from the example of her parents. Although it’s not quite expressed this way, she believes that it’s important for husband and wife to respect each other intellectually in order to garner respect from their children in turn. She certainly sees the danger in, as her father did, marrying someone who you don’t think of as witty.

Elizabeth’s vacation with the Gardiners starts the series of coincidences that will bring us to our happy ending - first with vacation plans having to be changed to start later and not actually include the Lake district. Then, when visiting Lambton, Mrs. Gardiner’s interest in seeing Pemberley. Tours of stately homes were becoming even more of a standard attraction during this time, which gives us another idea of the prominence of the Darcy estate. And THEN, while touring Pemberley, the unplanned/unexpected early return of Mr. Darcy that puts he and Elizabeth in the right place at the right time to almost literally run into each other again.

It makes a lot of sense that seeing Darcy’s home, and him in his home, is what really brings about the last of Elizabeth’s change of heart. As we’ve seen him, Darcy is a proud and private person who is fairly uncomfortable interacting with strangers and whose facade in those situations is distant and cold (and often fairly judgmental). His home is described as friendly, warm, beautiful but not in an ostentatious or stuffy way, with a kind and affectionate housekeeper. It’s certainly not an accident that Darcy himself is able to be more pleasant and welcoming to Elizabeth and her family when he is in his familiar surroundings.

In Chapter II we finally meet Darcy’s young sister, Georgiana. She is described as being so shy she can hardly speak to people even in a home setting, which we could probably imagine wasn’t helped by being primarily cared for by someone of Darcy’s temperament. These few days at Lambton becoming reacquainted with Darcy and Bingley create a sweet series of calm-before-the-storm scenes and a raising of Elizabeth’s spirits from the turbulence she’s been experiencing.

While that all changes again in Chapter IV, it still creates the bond that gets her and Darcy through this last upheaval of Lydia and Wickham’s elopement.

The interesting thing about Lydia (which I’m sure you’ve already thought, being much cleverer than I) is that she’s really only a victim of her era. Do I find people as giddy and vapid as she is kind of annoying? Yes, but they’re not bad people, just not really my type. But realistically, Lydia knows what she wants: to flirt and be adored and run off with a dashingly handsome officer. If she’d lived in a less stringent time, she and Wickham would’ve run off and had a firey affair, not gotten married, and she’s shown to be such a strong-willed person that she probably would’ve seen Wickham’s eventual disinterest and told him to hit the road, leaving her, for the most part, none the worse. Instead, because the society they live in meant that the family would be ruined by her sinful choices, she gets saddled with a marriage to a guy who’s kind of a dick and definitely doesn’t want to be married to her either.

This whole episode causes Elizabeth to be much more vulnerable and intimate with Darcy than she probably ever would have otherwise, and gives Darcy his classic knight in shining armor opportunity to make a grand gesture for the woman he loves. In this case, that grand gesture includes him going very much against a lot of his natural tendencies toward pride and humbling himself pretty significantly. We don’t get the sense that he’s ever been much of a moral compromise kind of person, but he certainly makes some compromises here in the best interest of Elizabeth and her family. Of course, it’s only by the coincidence of Lydia’s big mouth that Elizabeth finds out about all of this.

Advancing the plot through letters is a common theme of Austen’s work. In fact, Pride and Prejudice was originally written in an all-letter format, and so we’re going to see the last pieces of the puzzle fall into place through Mrs. Gardiner’s letter.

In Chapter X, Wickham’s last interaction with Elizabeth is particularly disingenuous, with him still fishing to find out how much she may have heard of him from Darcy, and continuing to play the wronged victim angle. Based on this interaction, my own assumption is that when Elizabeth says that Mr. Darcy won’t welcome Wickham to Pemberley, she certainly hasn’t done much to change his mind.

We also see the preamble to the lonely life that Lydia eventually confesses to in Miss Bennet. With the (sort of) happy couple being forced to move to Newcastle because of Wickham’s need to leave the militia and join the regulars, she will be far enough from family that they don’t expect to see her for at least a year. It’s easy to predict that Wickham’s inattention and their relative financial hardship will take the shine off Lydia’s adventure in a new town fairly quickly, and leave her more on the outskirts of society than she would like or expect.

And so the story comes full circle, with rumors running wild about the Bingleys returning to Netherfield. In the next few chapters, we see the effects of Elizabeth on Darcy has he attempts to have more patience when interacting with her mother, and he spends time observing Jane more closely to better understand her feelings for Bingley.

Lady Catherine’s imperious entrance into the story one last time only serves to help Elizabeth and Darcy solidify their feelings for each other in the face of Lady Catherine’s general awfulness. When they finally come back together at Longbourn, we see a lovely balance of her playfulness and his seriousness in their proposal scene as they both admit their shortcomings to each other.

The resolution of the marriage plots corresponds to the view of marriage Austen consistently asserts: rather than being simply a union of two individuals, marriage is a condition in which the couple will be connected to a variety of other people. In the final chapters, Elizabeth and Darcy take the trouble, even when they find it unpleasant, to accommodate and maintain good relations with other family members and acquaintances.

The story implies that Elizabeth and Jane were both married on the same day; fitting for the closeness of their relationship and that of their husbands. Jane and Bingley lived at Netherfield for a year, but then bought an estate about 30 miles from Pemberley so we can assume that the Bingleys and the Darcys have seen each other fairly often in the last two years before Christmas 1815. Elizabeth’s and Lydia’s relationship is probably further strained when Lydia writes asking for financial assistance now that Elizabeth is rich, and Elizabeth turns her down. We also learn that Elizabeth and Jane have both been asked to help settle the Wickhams’ debts from time to time over the past three years.

And finally, a charming characterization of Darcy’s enduring commitment to Elizabeth, from a letter written by Austen about how she was unable to find portraits in a gallery that she thought resembled Jane and Elizabeth: “I can only imagine that Mr. D. prizes any Picture of her too much to like it should be exposed to the public eye.--I can imagine he would have that sort [of] feeling--that mixture of Love, Pride & Delicacy”

[aomarisandersons-wifey]

Romantic F/Os:

they’re just really special to me :,)

Spouses-

Sam Anderson/Aomaris from Seduce Me the Otome

oh man,, where do i even start with this one- basically. i love sammy so much!! he’s been a fav of mine for a little over a year now and he means the absolute world to me! hes my go to when i feel sad and just mentioning him makes me happy. i love him! <3(hes my fav dont tell the others) he is basically my soulmate and the loml dont convince me otherwise or i’ll cry on you!

Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd from Fire Emblem Three Houses

ive liked dimitri since september-ish and hes been an awesome addition to my f/o list! he is just so cute and i want to hug him endlessly mwAhjfjdsjslslkaka i just wanna help him all the time and aaaaaaaaa i wuv him

Inigo/Laslow from Fire Emblem Awakening/Fire Emblem Fates

laz!! aaaa- i really like this man. he’s just so kind and such a sweetie!! originally a friend of mine introduced me to him when i first started getting into fire emblem and tbh i was surprised i liked him so much! i don’t like british accents at ALL but inigo’s is the one i can tolerate :)

Prussia/Gilbert Beilschmidt from Hetalia

i’m. not SUPER into hetalia anymore but i still love this guy so much!! he was the first character i ever REALLY shipped myself with and its been close to 3 years since Gil and i have been together!

Fiance/Fiancees-

Soleil from Fire Emblem Fates

another one that a friend introduced me to! “oh yeah inigo has a daughter” “aa WAHT SJES SO CUTE-“ uh yeah!! she’s probably my favorite girl i ship myself with! shes so pretty and she makes me feel awesome!!

Tenya Iida from My Hero Academia

hmmm,, i actually couldnt figure out where to put iida! i feel like we’re closer than just bf/gf but we arent married so i just put him here uh- i really like iida! hes so pretty and seeing him makes me uwu i havent liked him for a super long time but he is just so pure i wuv him <3(im well aware that hes a minor but i am too! usually i age both of us up when writing self inserts)

Reiji Kotobuki from Uta no Prince Sama

reiji!! aaa hes so cute <3 i love everything about this guy!! he has such a nice voice and i just LOVE his personality! he makes me feel so awesome and i’m so glad i got into utapri because of heeeeee

Partners-

Kuko Harai from Hypnosis Microphone

i LOVE THIS GUY omg sjfjskdjkalskao- i just got into hypmic in october!! and i basically liked him immediately the first time my friend showed me the drb. his voice, his style, everything aaaa- yeah okay hes KIND of a rat but he’s a cute rat and i wanna pet him <3 i think about him a lot and idk why i didnt feel comfy with him being up there with the other husbands but he is here and thats all that matters

Otoya Ittoki from Uta no Prince Sama

he!! he is just a sunshine puppy i wuv him <3 otoya was my first fav from utapri and seeing him still makes me super happy! i wanna hold his haaand

Len Kagamine

okay,, i take it back LEN was the first one i started shipping myself with. dont remember why probably the sex songs. top tier boy though. still love his music! but,, im probably gonna stop shipping myself with him after my bday :( ill still be a minor i just wont be comfy with it anymore

Kazuma Hashimoto from Cheer Boys

kazu!! he is so cute!! i started watching cheer boys 2 years ago but i rewatched it last year and he is definitely my fave! he is just the positivity i need and i love him!

??Friends with Benefits??:

im. not totally sure where me and these characters stand-

Niles from Fire Emblem Fates

i like niles he so sexi- okay but really uhh i like him a lot!! but im not sure if i’d call him a bf rather than a character who i like to fuck cuddle and kiss with

Katsuki Bakugo from My Hero Academia

at first i was gonna put him on the partners list but then i changed my mind!! idk why. he’s still really cute though. not much to say about him idk

Ichiro Yamada from Hypnosis Microphone

he probably couldve been where kuko was if i got into hypmic before the new divisions were added(ik kuko is in the manga but i havent read it so it doesnt count). i still really like him!! but probably not enough to put him any higher than here.

Samatoki Aohitsugi from Hypnosis Microphone

hes here for the same reason as ichiro but also because smoking really turned me off

Rio Mason Busujima from Hypnosis Microphone

again, same reason as ichiro.

Spain from Hetalia

hes super cute!! not sure if i would wanna commit to a relationship though ;(

France from Hetalia

same reason as spain!

Platonic F/Os:

i just wanna be their besties okay-

Matthew Anderson/Zecaeru from Seduce Me

ive had my heart set on being friends with matthew for a while now! i just think we would have a lot of fun together

America from Hetalia

Denmark from Hetalia

Hatsune Miku

Ranmaru Kurosaki from Uta no Prince Sama

Sasara Nurude from Hypnosis Microphone

Familial F/Os:

there is only one. its kugelmugel from hetalia :D gil and i adopted him :D

Former F/Os:

maybe we broke up or something?? idk! buuut this is where they go!

Aru Akise from Mirai Nikki

Near from Death Note

Light from Death Note

Canada from Hetalia

Link from The Legend of Zelda

uhh yeah. thats a complete list!!(i think?)

[shhhselah]

Mack Daddy OG BooThang

Sunday, January 20, 2019

1:28am

Pretty, isn’t it?

It’s the kind of place I’d imagine going on a honeymoon. Like, what man is going to take me here, and where he at? Cause no, really....where he at though? 

Ya know, I realized something a little while ago. Like, legit just a few minutes ago lol. It’s a prayer I’ve prayed for years, but am finally in a place to receive and see it. Check this out, y’all: 

God is dumb romantic and He’s like....the greatest player of all time. Except God ain’t no player. Oh no, baby, no. He’s the whole GAME.

And you know what?

He’s playing for keeps.

Yeah. That’s right. You heard me. Peep the title. Y’all thought that was just to draw you in? Tuh. (It was.) But I was being oh so sincere and trying to let y’all in on the real. God got the game on lock, because He is the game....and the lock for that matter! Lemme break it down, aite?

Ladies. What do we want in a man? That varies, I know; but essentially, we want a man who will protect us and provide for us. Someone who will pay us attention and take us out, who will make us feel special, who will open up and be vulnerable with us. A gentleman, who will love us unconditionally and make us laugh. Someone who can lead, who is observant and honest, kind (and a little dangerous/edgy, shhhhh), and who can cook and dress. Someone who we can be our most authentic, vulnerable, chill selves with and shares our same beliefs values and principles. Right?

And fellas. What do y’all want? Lemme see. A woman who is strong yet submissive- can cook, bake, and clean properly; take care of the kids, keep a job, and have her own ambitions; stay loyal and true; be willing to talk, listen and just be silent at times; can kill any outfit, kick it with the fellas (and actually fit in), be secure in her place and not jealous (but a slight attitude is fine cause y’all love a challenge and bit of fiestiness); and shares your beliefs, values and principles.

We both love a lover who can not only balance, but challenge us and make us better. Cause, at the end of the day, your partner is a God-given tool used to continue to shape, prune and grow you. (And give you comfort, but the list goes on, so moving forward.) Isn’t it amazing that God encompasses all of those qualities?

Selah.

Think about it.

How romantic is God? He is so ready to sweep us off our feet (man and woman). He wants to woo us and take us out on lavish dates. He desires to fly us out to exotic places and teach us new languages. He loves to listen to us rant and rave, vent and process, reflect and respond. He adores Netflix and chilling with us! He taught you how to be fly. He gave you the courage to start that new fashion trend. Honey, He blessed those meals you thought were about to be trash lol. He constantly, constantly constantly desires to be around us and watch us, listen to us and talk with us. So yes, He wants to take you on dates and take care of you while you’re sick and whisper sweet nothings to you. He promises to heal you and lift you up when you’re down and spoil you abundantly. 

Fellas, He protects you and rides with you, stays loyal and true to you- stays silent when you don’t wanna talk and inputs when you need to hear it. He guides you, even when you- metaphorically and literally speaking- don’t wanna stop and ask for some got dang directions. He’s the reason you have drive and motivation, suave and swag. Please. Y’all thought y’all taught y’allselves that. Go sit down.

The Lord is on a mission to love us, and love us fully. He did it when He died on the cross and raised Himself back up and opened His arms for us to run into. But everyday, He wants to start anew.

This is something He showed me a week ago and it is so beautifully mind blowing- *inserts journal entry here*:

(Sunday, January 13, 2019- 9:27pm)

Jesus calls us His bride. And....I like that. Yeah. It feels indicative of something. Like, after marriage, we stop saying "Bride," and switch to "Wife." For some, this is an honor- a time of transition and settling into what's finally permanent. It’s like, for years (or months) you all have been building up to this point, and it's finally here. “She is my wife now. Officially. Forever more.” And that's super exciting!! Super giddy and inspiring! But it was something about a deacon at my God sisters’ church, calling his wife his “bride-” after 8 months of marriage- that really got me. Something about that word usage really struck me. It reminded me that Jesus has never called us His “Wife.” But His Bride. The Bride of Christ. Bone of His bone. Flesh of His flesh. It's kinda like He's telling us that He's always in the honeymoon period with us. That our reunion with Him is always and will forever be fresh to Him. Everyday we are at the first day, the big day- standing right there at the altar. And you know what, at first, I low key felt like that was because He recognized how fragile human loyalty is. He knows how temporary the flesh and its decisions are. It's like Jesus officially calling Simon, "Peter." Graduating him from Flimsy Reed (which is what “Simon” means in Hebrew), to Rock (what Peter means in Hebrew). And that graduation only came because of the Father's influence, revelation and power. By his-self, Simon wasn't enough to become Peter. The reed could not transform into the rock without the Potter making another vessel out of the clay. Jesus told him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven." (Matthew 16:17) Only God's power could bring about the upgrade, the transformation. And like us, without God, we can't be consistent and sturdy, set like rock. We're too flimsy! So Jesus calls us His "bride," because everyday is the wedding day with us! To me, it seemed that He called us this because everyday is a choice to not run from the altar and this union, to stay united and faithful. To not divorce or cheat with other desires and opportunities and people.  But then I realized something. He accepts us afresh and gives us His, "I do," every single day. It's why the Word says His mercies are afresh each morning. Because His “I do” for us is afresh and renewed every morning. Calling us His bride isn't really about our flimsiness, but His willingness and desire to stick by us, no matter if we run. So yeah, everyday we can choose to not leave the altar, but, ultimately, His love is what keeps us from running and what brings us back even when we do! His arms are always open. It's His kindness that leads us unto repentance. So yeah. We are His bride because He marries us and our issues, our shortcomings and flaws and everything stinky, "ugly," evil, weak, and broken in us every day. He says "Yes. I do." with joy overwhelming. Every. Single. Time. His joy never dims. His Yes never dims. Unto eternity.  

What a Sweetheart He is, right? Yeah. God looks at you- yes men, you too- and sees His bride, the church. And every single moment of the day, He gives us His unfailing, fully devoted, enthusiastic, “Yes! I do!” And it will never die. It will never fade. It will never lose that enthusiasm. 

Have you ever felt like you were too much for someone (or the world) and yet simultaneously felt like you just weren’t enough? I have. Often. But that feeling is so against what God intended for me or any of us to feel. God isn’t afraid of your scars. He isn’t afraid of your “ugly side,” your vulnerability or anger, your past or your addictions. He isn’t afraid of your sex life or your cussing habits, your jail time or your insecurities and need for control. He’s not intimidated by you. He isn’t overwhelmed or disgusted by you. 

He wants to spit game to you all day, everyday. Game that will have you leaving them boys and birds alone and settle in for 7:30pm Bible Study on Tuesday night cause ain’t nothing sweeter than your God’s presence. Game that will have you looking at these dudes’ pick up lines like dog poop, cause you’ve read Songs of Solomon. Aaaaannd you let the Lord reveal to you what He thinks about you, so they 3 seconds of acknowledging your fat booty or “gorgeous smile,” just don’t measure up.

I’m telling y’all, God is spitting game at y’all that will give you wisdom and skills to get a promotion at ya job. Who you know that can do that??? What book did you read, what girl did you date, what club did you go to, what sport did you play that gave you the discernment, skills, confidence, and Holy Spirit advantage to go up the ranks at your work place and achieve your dreams while getting checks and coin? Huh? Huh? Huh? Okay cool. I’ll wait.List em out below, please.

All I’m saying y’all, is that God really is the OG Mack Daddy Boo Thang forreal! 

He’s a, “Foreva eva? Foreva eva eva eva?” “True playa forreal, that’s my homie forreal,” sort of love. 

Read the Songs of Solomon and just peep the Shakespearean game this King of all kings is throwing down. Read the Proverbs and the Psalms and the Gospel and just know how your Bae looks at you. 

How He tweaks for you to call on Him. The way His eyes twinkle when He hears your voice or your laugh. Educate yourself on His promises to rain down only the best on you like His name was Ashanti. Research His promises to do right by you, make you better, and luv you betta like His name is LL Cool J. Cause you know Ladies Love Cool Jesus. Let yourself be whisked away on the greatest bae-cation of ya life. 

Because everyday will be the honeymoon when it’s #BooThangAndYou.

Selah.

*Oo, and sidenote: Ladies, stop calling these fools “daddy,” and get with the real Zaddy. Okay? Bloop bloop.